


September

by JessieCade



Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Depression, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Incest, M/M, Ponyboy x Sodapop, Ponypop, Post-Vietnam, Self Harm, Sodapop Curtis - Freeform, Steve Randle - Freeform, Tags may change as the story is written, The Outsiders, Therapy, ponyboy curtis - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-05-20 20:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14901563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessieCade/pseuds/JessieCade
Summary: It'll be ten years in two weeks since Soda's death in Vietnam, and Ponyboy still hasn't learned to cope with the loss of his brother, his best friend, and the love of his life. Steve is here to break down his walls and finally free him of the misery that Pony developed as a result of the relationship and as a result of Soda's death.





	1. Two Weeks 'Till

“Hi… I’m Michael, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi, Michael.”

There were only a few people at the meeting, only one of which did I recognize. That was Keith Mathews, and it was only because I had begged him to come to the meeting with me. I was recommended by my therapist to come, and at the sound of it being like a free therapy session, I decided to come, but because of my nerves and the fact that Keith was also an alcoholic, I wouldn’t come without him, and Keith just wanted some cookies.

“I’ve never been to one of these before… I’m not sure what to say.”

“Well, you could start off with whatever’s been botherin’ you lately, just whatever makes you comfortable.”

I nodded to the elderly woman to my side and gave her a gentle smile. I wondered vaguely how long she’s been going to these meetings before going on with my own little rant.

“My therapist told me to come here. She told me if I wanted to get better, or to at least stop drinking, it’d be a good idea to come here. I could make friends and have more support. I guess that’s not really bothering me, I just thought it had to be established. And that I’ve been sober for a week.”

I got a round of applause for that, including one from Keith. I knew he wasn’t going to stop drinking, I didn’t even think he cared all that much, but he was good at hiding his emotions unlike I was. And I was sure he was at least proud in a sense. I hadn’t gone without a drop of bourbon in months, but my therapist- Jess- said if I wasn’t dedicated to anything, then what was there to live for? She suggested sobriety, and I thought- why not? If I messed up, I could get drunk, and that was always fun. It wasn’t like I cared, it didn’t really matter, but I was doing good so far so I figured that had to count for something.

“I guess what’s bothering me is that it’s September. I can’t really talk about why… but it just isn’t a good month for me. So it’s just gonna be harder to stay sober I guess. But I have friends to help me out, I’m thankful for that. So… thanks.”

Another round of applause sounded and someone was asking if anyone else wanted to speak. Keith reached over and nudged my shoulder, giving me a small smile and a nod, and I nodded back at him as I listened to everyone else talk. A woman was going through a divorce, another had a problematic kid, and everyone just wanted some vodka or whiskey.

When the meeting was over, I was surrounded by a couple of girls who expressed sympathy and flirty looks. Of course, Keith tried to get in on the action, taking some of the attention away from me and helping me more than he thought he was. One girl stuck around, though. 

“Hi Michael, I’m Mary. Thanks for your share today.”

She had a soft smile with pretty pink lips, golden-brown hair, and her eyes were shimmering suns. Reminded me of my mother just vaguely, and of somebody I used to know.

“Thanks,” I smiled at her, “it’s hard to believe people actually care at these things. When I was a kid, I didn’t think they did anything to help-” I stopped myself and sighed of annoyance. “I’m sorry, i’m oversharing.”

“That’s okay, it’s safe here. You can talk to me.”

“A stranger?” I asked, cocking a brow and chuckling a little. She laughed and looked down, tucking some hair behind her ear shyly. Adorable.

“I’m sorry, you’re completely right…” She sighed a little, and as did I, neither of us sure of what to say now. Earlier I wanted to leave, but I found myself comfortable around this stranger, and suddenly I wanted to know about her. She didn’t say anything during the meeting, just watched and listened, and that’s all I knew.

Our time together was cut short for a moment by Keith coming up to my side and giving me a wide grin.

“I might have just struck gold, buddy,” he muttered in my ear, pulling me close by slinging an arm around my neck, “someone here might just be a sex addict. You good with walkin’ home?”

I peered over to where he was standing before and saw a sandy blonde with greenish-blue eyes staring at Keith seductively. Sighing, I shoved him away and gave him a plastic smile.

“Have at it, man. I need some exercise anyways.”

This made him do a double take, and he gave me a strange look.

“Better yet, hale a taxi, you don’t need no more exercise.”

I was taken aback by this statement and watched as he walked away with an uncomfortable feeling. It was a rather nice day outside and I didn’t mind having to walk, but I understood why he didn’t want me too.

“I could take you home,” Mary offered, pushing me off of my train of thought, “if you need a ride that is.”

“Sure,” I said automatically, “I don’t see why not.”

She smiled at me and nodded her head once to the door, signaling that we ought to leave at that moment, and so we did. While in the car, we just made small talk, like what our favorite shows were or what we liked to eat, and despite the normal, I felt calm the whole time. Usually, I’d be be begging myself for a shot of gin and taking a nap, but in a twisted turn of events, I was happy I went to that AA meeting. I’d have to make sure to thank Jess.

“I guess we’re here…” I sighed deeply as she pulled up in front of my apartment complex. I lingered a moment, wondering why I was so drawn to Mary, then as I opened the car door, she spoke up.

“Are you coming back tomorrow?” She asked, and I almost shrugged, but then opted for a nod.

“I’ll see what I can do. I probably will if I don’t end up in a bottomless pit of despair.”

This made her laugh, so I laughed with her even though I was half serious. I had a few bottles of everything in my cabinets in the kitchen that were calling my name, and for my safety, Jonathan had them locked up. He showed that he cared.

“Good night, Michael,” she hummed after her laugh, and I gave her a small wave and a good night before heading for my apartment. Though I could safely say I was happy to go to that meeting, I was also happy to be out of it. To relax in bed like I did about everyday seemed very appealing, and letting the creeping sadness blanket over me seemed easier than holding it back. Johnathan would worry, ask me what was wrong though he already knew what was the problem, then he’d make a dinner for two and we’d go to bed forgetting about it. It was such a nice routine for that month especially.

When I got to the apartment, Jonathan was sitting on the couch with his knees pulled to his chest watching the news. His attention suddenly shifted to me and one of the corners of his lips pulled up into a small smile.

“How’d it go?”

“As good as it could have gone I guess. All the girls liked me and Keith found someone to hang on his arm.”

I sighed deeply and looked to the doorway of the kitchen, licking my dried lips. We were a week into September and already was I crumbling. Of course I had to choose this month to try and become sober again. At least if I messed up (or when), I could start over. As long as Jess and everyone else thought I was doing better I guessed it wasn’t that big a deal.

“Need to talk?” Jonathan suddenly asked, a look of worry crossing him. I looked back at him and shook my head, making my lips into a straight line. 

“Maybe later… I’m just gonna go sleep for now. Wake me up if somebody calls for me.”  
“I can do that.”

I gave him a short nod before going down the hall to my bedroom. I reveled in it’s silence and darkness, and once I hit the bed, the sandman was bringing me down into a comfortable slumber. Socialising was much more exhausting than I thought it was.

#

_“When the clock strikes two, three and four, if the band slows down we’ll yell for more!”_

I was awaken by Happy Days playing too loud in the living room an hour or so later. It was nearly five o’clock in the evening and the first thing on my mind was whether or not Jonathan was going to start dinner or eat out. We had been friends long enough for me to know that he knew I probably wouldn’t eat, but usually he’d ask anyways. But since he hadn’t come in to tell me, I reckoned there wasn’t anything yet.

Reluctantly, I pushed myself to stand, but I had to sit back down when my vision turned to black. I stayed that way a few seconds, sitting dizzily and trying to gain back my composure, and sighed when the thought of me needing to eat to live crossed my mind. I didn’t mind eating, but it was never my first priority and I’d always just rather sleep or keep myself distracted.

I had been losing a lot of weight lately, though.

I made my way into the living room, and there Keith was with Jonathan and Lucas. I froze in the doorway, my heartbeat skipping once at the sight of Lucas. He wasn’t around often, only every once in a while, but it was around September when he’d hang out more.

“You look like you’re about to pass out,” Lucas commented, and I couldn’t help but crack the faintest of smiles as I walked in and sat on the arm of the couch.

“Nice to see you too.”

“When’s the last time you ate?”

“I ate at the meeting-” I tried to lie, but Keith told him I didn’t eat there, and Lucas asked me again. I told him that just because he was a few years older than me didn’t mean he could control me, that I was an adult, but I told him it’s been a few days because September started a few days ago.

“I’ll order McDonald's,” Keith offered, but Lucas shook his head and stood up, obviously a little perturbed.

“I’m takin’ Pony-”

“My name is Michael.”

“Yeah, your middle name is Michael, but I’m callin’ you Ponyboy,” Lucas said, then turned back to Keith, “I’m takin’ _Pony_ out.”

“What’s so bad with callin’ him Michael?” Jonathan asked quietly, and Lucas just shook his head and walked towards me, looking me up and down. I shifted in place nervously, keeping my eyes down, and Lucas just sighed.

“You know this isn’t what he woulda wanted,” he said just so I could hear, and I started to feel a little more guilty.

My collar bones were prominently showing under my skin and I had dark circles under my eyes. I swore I had the worst case of insomnia, but I knew that just wasn’t the case. And I just never really was hungry.

“I’m gonna go get my shoes,” I muttered, turning on my heels and quickly walking away. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I wanted to sit on the couch with Jonathan and watch Happy Days. I knew that was a show my brother would have liked, but a small part of me wanted to go out with Lucas, get a burger, and sit in silence the whole time. We both always thought of the same thing, leading us to not wanting to talk, but eventually we would at another time in the month, and it’d cause me to spiral down into an even deeper depression before he threatened to kick my ass, then I’d get back to how I normally was.

Yeah, it was a regular September.

When I got back to the living room, Lucas was talking to Jonathan in that low voice he had talked to me in, then when they heard me walk in, he was walking back over to me then to the door to get out.

“And so begins the long month of you telling me to get over myself,” I muttered as I followed him down the staircase, and he made a sort of ‘huff’ sound.

“You know I’m right.”

“You know it’s not that easy.”

“And _you_ know it shoulda been easy ten years ago,” he shot back, and I didn’t respond. I thought about that while we were getting into his car- about how it’ll be ten years since the incident. I was sixteen years old when it happened. I was just out of high school and very high-strung and disappointed from the fact that _somebody_ hadn’t showed up to my graduation like I had led myself to believe. I got my own hopes high, and in return, I crash and burned.

The drive in the car was quiet, as to be expected, and it gave me more time to think unfortunately. At these times, I was always brought back to the first time we were in this scene, when Lucas would tell my brother that we’d have a long talk but instead we’d go for a silent drive. I was shaking and crying then, but now, I’m just numb.

“I’m buying you dinner, you’re gonna eat it, then I’m your free therapist for the next two hours,” Lucas said with a firm voice. I gave him a short nod, but didn’t really pay him any mind. I wasn’t that hungry, but I’d eat a little bit, and I’d stay quiet most of the time. He didn’t push me to talk until we were headed back home and he started to drive a little slower.

“It’s not for another two weeks, do we have to talk _now_?” I asked, and he shrugged, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel impatiently.

“Johnny told me you’re tryin’ to get sober.”

I snickered, “It’s just been a week. I’m probably gonna go back later and raid the liquor cabinet. S’not like there’s anything stopping me.”

“You’re really gonna say that to me?”

“Sorry.”

I wasn’t really. I meant what I said- nobody cared. He acted like he did though just because it was September.

“If there isn’t anything to fight for, then what’re you still doin’ here, huh?”

That was a question I often asked myself, and I have yet to find an answer. Truly, my reason to live was long gone. I’ve tried ending myself on multiple occasions, but I’d find myself waking up either in my own bedroom or in the hospital. It’s been years since my last attempt, finding it futile at that point, so now I just stick around for the booze and the comfort of my own home.

“For Darrel and you all,” I said, which wasn’t exactly a lie. I’d feel bad leaving them behind. Darrel probably worried about me more than anyone, and for some reason, I let myself keep worrying him. I usually always kicked myself for it, especially when I was younger and we were living together.

Lucas didn’t find this to be an acceptable answer.

“Hah, right. Like we’re good enough to replace him in your world.”

He acted hurt, but I could never tell. Sarcasm was his second language next to English, and speaking it to me was his favorite thing to do. I never usually took it personally.

When we were teenagers, it was much worse. To him, I was always just a kid, a tagalong, and some annoying pest. He never wanted me to hang out with him or his best friend, but his best friend wanted me there anyways, so I’d go. I really just went to be with his best friend anyway.

“Are we here for you to be a dick to me, or are you gonna give me life lessons I should follow but probably won’t?”

He cocked a brow and gave me a look that said Stop Being A Smart Ass. “Did I ever happen to mention exactly _why_ I bother you every September instead of lettin’ you waste away?” I shook my head, and he sighed and pulled the car over. I suddenly became a little more anxious, wondering just how bad it was to have it lead to him pulling over on the side of the road. He shut off the car, rubbed his face, and when he looked at me, he seemed like a different man, like I hadn’t known him nearly all my life. “Me an’ him talked the night before he left-”

“He promised he wouldn’t leave me,” I said, memories of that night rushing back at me in painful waves. That night, I was a mess. Dinner couldn’t be held down in my stomach and I had been stressing the whole day about the day that would come after that. That night, he had held me in his arms and let me cry, and he cried, to, just not as bad. I was terrified for the day to come, and all I wanted was the night to last forever. Me in his arms and him saying he’ll love nobody else but me will be the best worst memory of my life. I say I was a wreck, which I really was, but I knew he had it worse. Even before that night, he wouldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep that well, and he had stopped sleeping in my room with me. That night, though, he slept in bed with me and finally made me feel at home. I made him promise he wouldn’t leave me, that he’d be there when I woke up, but at least half of that promise was kept.

I decided to let Lucas continue.

“He felt real bad about that. Said you were crying yourself sick and he couldn’t handle it. He came over to my house in the middle of a panic attack, going on about how ‘Ponyboy fell asleep and I promised him I wouldn’t leave, but I can’t handle this’,” he paused and took a long breath. He stopped looking at me before his statement was over and had his head in his hands with his elbows on the wheel. I wanted to tell him to stop telling me this or that he could have told me this ten years ago, but for some reason he felt like I needed to know, and for some reason, a small part of me wanted to know. “When I got him calmed down, he just talked and talked and talked. First it was about how much he’d miss me and Darry and the guys, how he’s gonna be nervous and not know what to do, then after that, it was all about you. Ponyboy is sad, Ponyboy is messed up because of me, Ponyboy won’t stop crying, blah blah blah. And,” he said, then chuckled bitterly, “I blamed you for everything. Him not eatin’ or sleepin’ right. I wanted to go down there and kick your ass for fucking him up so badly. But I didn’t,” he said, and that’s when I heard his voice becoming more choked and forced, “he asked me not too. A year after we found out he was dead, I realized it wasn’t your fault; it was his. He did all that to himself. I see you doing the same things he did and,” he stopped again, and when I could see through my own tears, I saw one going down his cheek, “and I thought if I could help you, it’d be like I was helping him, ‘cause he wouldn’t let me help him. But you let me.”

I thought about that for a second and kind of nodded. He would always lie and say he was fine, that he wasn’t hungry, and that he wasn’t tired all with a smile. Nobody believed him, but we couldn’t afford a therapist (during his time), and nobody knew how to approach the situation. He was supposed to be the bright and happy guy, the one people would go to if they wanted to feel better, and he was the person I could go to for everything between asking the time to asking for advice. I was more honest with him than I was with anyone else. He didn’t judge anyone and knew how everyone felt. When he got sad- no, depressed- it felt like even _I_ couldn’t come to him, and it was the third worst feeling in the world. The second was him leaving, and the first was learning of his death.

I stayed quiet for another few moments, thinking maybe if I didn’t respond then we would just continue on to get our dinner, but when we just sat there in a dreadful and crippling silence, I decided I might as well respond.

“So what? Am I like his replacement?”

I sounded meaner than I intended, but he didn’t react to it. He just sighed and started the car back up with one hand and used the other to wipe his tears away.

“Didn’t think you’d understand.”

“What do I have to understand?” I asked, this time meaning for my voice to come out sharply. He rolled his eyes and started driving and for some reason, this arose some anger within me. “Dammit, Steve, what do I need to understand?!”

One of the corners of his lips turned up. “I haven’t heard you call me that in years. This is some real progress.”

I was taken aback by myself. I hadn’t meant to say his first name, it had just slipped out. It was rare that I really got mad like that, and suddenly my anger was gone. I just slumped back into my seat and looked straight ahead at the passing road.

Ever since the incident, I had avoided using the name’s I used to call everyone. Johnny was now Jonathan, Steve was Lucas, Two-Bit was Keith, and so on. Changing what I called them by made me feel more separated from the person I used to feel attached too. In other words, I felt more secure from possible oncoming waves of memories and endless nights of panic attacks that Jonathan would have to calm me down from like he had to so many years ago. Lucas, of course, didn’t know this. He thought I was being petty by calling him by his middle name, but I just let him think what he wanted too. I didn’t have the energy to explain or argue.

For some reason, his favorite thing to do was bring up the past instead of just letting me be. He thought it helped me, and I didn’t have the care enough to tell him it just hurt me.

We reached a small diner finally. The Dingo. I gulped as he pulled the car into a parking spot and shut off the engine again. Like every year, memories of dates and endless nights began seeping into my thoughts from the darkest parts. I could hear distant, romantic music playing and my heartbeat picked up, then the sounds faded back into my memories and I was glaring at him.

“Why do you insist on taking me hear every time?” I snapped as we exited the vehicle, and I swore I heard him chuckle as we walked up to the building.

“Closest place to get food without having to waste gas.”

When he and I were sat down and our orders were being taken (he just got us both simple cheese burgers and drinks), I got the sudden urge to ask him how _he_ was. His best friend was the one that was killed, and as a result of his mourning, his girlfriend left him. He has a new one now, but I didn’t think he was as happy with her as he was with Evie.

We were back to sitting quietly and waiting for the other to speak. Usually he’d take the initiative to talk first, I mostly just always listened, but I knew he was sick of talking, so I started up.

“You make your point to me every year that he’s dead and I need to get over it. Why do we keep doing this?”

I was sincere in my question, at least I thought I was. I kept my voice soft and gave him a searingly honest look. He took a long drink from his Coca Cola before answering me, his voice rough.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I guess it’s just because you remind me of him, now. You don’t really need me repeatin’ myself every year, do ya?”

He snickered at his own words. “You look so much like him it hurts.”

“I don’t look nothin’ like him,” I said bitterly. I hated when people said that, because it’d just lead me to seeing him instead of me in the mirror. Again, another moment Jonathan would have to pull me out of a panic attack from. I was way too prone to those. “He was blonde- my hair’s more brown or red. He had brown eyes-”

“I know what he looked like,” Lucas said softly, looking over me thoughtfully, “I don’t know, you just kinda look the same a little. After all, you _were_ brothers.”

I could feel the creeping numbness spreading thicker in my chest as we talked and ate. My mind was slowly becoming cloudy with depression, an experience I hadn’t felt in a while. I couldn’t think, and my breathing was becoming light. I didn’t like talking about him at all. I looked down at my hands as I ate and thought they looked different- like leather, or like they belonged to a corpse. If I hadn’t been wearing sleeves, my scars probably would have been more noticeable as well. I didn’t notice that I was so cold until then.

“Yeah,” I said, nearly inaudible, “ _just_ brothers.”

He gave me a sad look and I felt myself shiver. “That’s something you don’t really wanna talk about,” he said as if he could read my thoughts. He was partly right and partly wrong. I was always good at keeping secrets and keeping my mouth shut in general, but my brother was all I ever wanted to talk about. Our relationship, his beauty, how he made me happy, and just him in general. I could never do that in fear of us being split apart or taken away from each other or Darry, but now the only reason I don’t talk about it is because it was- and still is- taboo, and because it hurts too much to talk about. Nobody asked, and I never told. Everyone just sort of found out when they saw how affected I was by his death. They might have also picked up on some clues. “At least not here.”

“He was just scared.”

“Pony-”

“He thought you an’ Darrel an’ everyone else would hate us,” I said, and at that moment I knew there as no stopping myself, “he hated himself because of me. I can’t forgive myself for that. When he was crying, when he was hurting himself- that was all because of me!”

“Ponyboy!” Lucas said sharply, banging his fist on the table. I jumped, startled, and when I crinkled my nose and felt a hot tear slip besides my lip. When I gave him a lost look with my paled face, he said softly, “It wasn’t your fault. He could have told me, you, Darry, or anyone else what he was doing and we woulda helped him. But he didn’t want us to help.”

“In other words,” I said bitterly, getting the vague thought that I felt fifteen again, “he didn’t need me.”

“He told me if it wasn’t for you, he woulda been dead before he left for Vietnam,” Lucas said, painful sadness growing more obvious on his face, “because he loved you more than he was willing to admit, and he knew if he woulda killed himself, you woulda followed right in his foot tracks like a damn lost, idiot puppy.”

I gulped, feeling unable to breathe in that moment. I wiped my wide eyes and just stared at him, and he stared right back. I knew I had annoyed him at this point, I was good at doing that for some reason. Taking a deep breath, I pushed my half-eaten burger to the side and grabbed at my hair stressfully.

“I don’t feel any better than how I did when I was sixteen,” I muttered, my voice shaky, “I want to see him in something that isn’t an illusion or dream. It doesn’t even feel like he was a real person sometimes.”

“I think you’re ready to go home,” he said, and I snickered.

“What happened to the two hour free therapy session you promised?”

He huffed as he pulled out his wallet and stood up. “You’re makin’ a scene and you need some sleep.”

“I ran out of my sleeping pills…”

“How’d you do that?”

My eyes widened and I shook my head. “Don’t know,” I lied and he groaned, pulling me up by my shoulder sleeve.

“You are one pain in the ass kid, you know that?” He sighed. “I’ll let you use some o’ mine, you’re sleeping at my place tonight.”

“How come?”

“Because then you won’t be able to raid your liquor cabinet.”

As we walked back out to his car, a thought came to me that pained my heart.

Soda kept him up at night, too.


	2. Real Progress

The ride was silent.

No radio, no voices from either of us, not even the annoying sound of wind coming in from the window. It was all still and silent. I kept my hands held together in my lap as I watched the road before us slide under the car as he drove, and I wondered how many more years this would happen. Sure, Lucas didn’t invite me to his place every year, but it wasn’t every year that I was trying to get sober, either. Trying was an overstatement, but if I can live a week so far without alcohol, I could probably go another day.

When we arrived at his home at last, I could feel the tension in the car growing thicker. I hadn’t been here in a while, and obviously he had himself worked up over something else as well. My stomach grew icy as he parked and we left the vehicle.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Anyone would have thought it an obvious question; it was Soda’s fault he was upset, but there was something else to it. His hands had gripped the wheel tighter when he turned onto his street.

“My old lady’s still up- thought I got out when she fell asleep. She ain’t gonna be happy.”

“Why not?” I pressed. He growled under his breath and stuffed his hands into his jean’s pockets as we walked up the front lawn. The grass was still wet from the rain the day before.

“She doesn’t think I ought to be talkin’ to people who’re gonna make me all messed up again.”

If that wouldn’t have made me self conscious then nothing else would have. I knew right then that his girlfriend didn’t like me, or wouldn’t like me. Not only was I mess but I knew I looked like one. My red eyes and tousled hair made that obvious.

He entered the house before I did, and once I was in, a shorter woman with golden brown hair was standing up and putting her hands on her hips.

“Could have told me you were leaving,” she said and he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. 

“I didn’t want to worry you-” he paused and stepped out of the way so she could see me, and I saw her eyes light up. “This is-”

“Michael,” she said quietly. My jaw dropped slightly and I felt my heart freeze in my chest. I had never met or even seen Lucas’ new girlfriend, I was just vaguely aware that he had one. Keith had mentioned her a few times when we would hang out, talking about how much of a cute and nice broad she was. Made Lucas a ‘better man’. I was happy for him, he deserved someone who could better him and support him. 

It would have been nice if Keith would have told me she was Lucas’ girlfriend. Glad I didn’t take a chance with her.

Lucas cocked a brow, but I could see him become a little relieved. 

“You two know each other?”

“Yeah, we met at the meeting earlier,” she said, walking forward and wrapping her arms around me. I left my arms at my sides and Lucas and I exchanged uncomfortable glances. When she stepped back, she cocked her head to the side and gave me a worried expression. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”

Her soft voice and words gave me a sense of déjá vu and I had to take a step back to breathe. She pursed her lips to add emphasis that she was worried and I just smiled and shook my head.

“I’m alright, Mary. I just need some sleep.”

“Are you hungry?” She asked, already headed to the kitchen. She had completely forgotten about being upset with Lucas, much to his luck. He decided to answer this question for me.

“He’s not hungry, we just ate. Go on to bed, babe, he’s exhausted.”

She gave us a pouty look for a moment then nodded. She walked up to me and pecked my cheek, did the same to Lucas, then waved at us she walked down the hall to their bedroom. He sighed deeply and dropped himself onto the couch, rubbing his face. I sat next to him quietly.

“Do y’all have a meeting tomorrow?” I nodded. “Great. Well, you’re not goin’, you’re staying here.”

“Kidnapping me?” I joked and he rolled his eyes.

“She hasn’t had a drink in a year I think. She’s a good girl. You? You haven’t had a drink in a week. Maybe the reason you’re so depressed is because you’re detoxing.”

I let out a sharp ‘ha!’ at this and he glared at me. “Ask Jonathan, I don’t detox so bad.”

“You’ve tried getting sober before?”

“Once. But I kept slipping up, so I stopped.”

“That’s why you haven’t ‘detoxed so bad’,” he said sarcastically, “you haven’t given yourself a chance too. You’ll feel it. You’ll deal with it. Now sit tight.”

He stood up and walked down the hall, leaving me alone. I figured he was going to get his sleeping pills, and I was right when I saw that he came back with a small bottle. It made me nervous, but the thought of having a good night’s sleep for once sounded blissful. I had been out of my pills for weeks.

“You’re takin’ two and that’s it. If I find these gone by morning I swear-”

“Lucas, it’s different when they ain’t mine,” I muttered, holding my hand out. He nodded and watched me take them, then put the bottle in his pocket.

“I’ll call Johnny, let ‘em know you’re here. If ya need anything you can check the fridge and find the bathroom on your own.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said snidely. He snickered and ruffled up my hair as I took off my shoes and lifted my feet onto the couch. 

“Get some sleep, you’re gonna need it,” Lucas said, then after that, I was alone at last. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, I eventually fell asleep.

#

I was on that sweet plain between being asleep and being awake. That time when you had the choice to wake up or to fall back asleep and either could be easy. I was comfortably numb lying still on that couch, my heart heavy and breath coming in short. I could easily lie like that for hours. 

I couldn’t tell how long I was lying like that before I started hearing a voice outside of my head. I made an attempt to open my eyes but they felt too heavy, so I opted just to listen.

“Yeah, I’ll drive him to therapy tomorrow, have Jess take care of ‘em for a while- Johnny, he’s alright, I swear. I ain’t gonna beat him up or anything, we’re not kids anymore… Yeah, I’ll bring him back home tomorrow. I think he’d be better off there.”

My heart ached further as I listened. He wasn’t exactly wrong, I would much rather be in bed alone, sulking and sad, and I was very much out of my comfort zone, but maybe, I thought, this is what I needed. I took a deep breath to ease by ill-beating heart and let the air go slowly, quickly forcing myself to sit up. I rubbed my face and slid my feet onto the carpet so I could lean back against the couch.

“When did you wake up?” I heard Lucas asked suddenly. I gasped and opened my eyes again, realizing that I had fallen back asleep without knowing it. He stood besides me and I sat up straight so I wouldn’t fall asleep again.

“Just a minute ago,” I said though I was unsure of that, “I… can’t sleep.”

“You got yourself all fucked up, that’s why,” he spat and I flinched. He looked around a second and sat down next to me and I rolled my eyes, preparing myself for another stern talking too. “What happened to _your_ sleeping pills?”

“I told you I don’t know,” I said sharply. He cracked his knuckles and my first thought was that he told Jonathan he wouldn’t beat me up. He was just being intimidating.

“What if I asked Johnny what happened to them?” He contested. I sighed and put my head in my hands, gripping my hair tightly as I did.

“Why do you care, Steve?” I asked, “Why does it matter?”

“What would you be doing if Soda was here?” He continued. I shook my head as tears welled in my eyes. The sound of his name was painful; everything about this situation was painful. I wanted to go home but I couldn’t move and I was certain he wouldn’t have just let me leave.

“Probably be sleeping in bed with him,” I said miserably. He gently began rubbing my back. “Like we always used to do. Night was the the only time we got to be alone. When we felt safe even being around each other… I don’t want to talk about this.” I stood up suddenly to walk, just to walk, but I felt myself start to fall over from being weak and Steve was instantly up to get me to sit back down. I was trying to keep sobs from racking through me.

“You can’t keep all that inside you forever. Do you even talk about it with your therapist?”

“No,” I said as if that should have been obvious, “I mean, she knows we were together. But that’s it.” I laughed at myself, “I promised him I wouldn’t tell anybody anything. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this, it’s not like it matters.”

As I said those words I felt my own heart shattering all over again. For over ten years I had myself completely convinced that it didn’t matter that I was sad or depressed because of my relationship with my brother. All that mattered to me was that I was with Soda and he was alive. I just needed and wanted Soda. Then I had nothing and now ten years later everything just wanted to leave me. I just didn’t want anyone to hate me for how I was.

“Soda would tell me things sometimes,” he said slowly, putting his hand back on my back, “like how you two would sneak out at midnight to walk together. It was a big deal to him, to get to hold your hand outside.”

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to make me cry again and talk about it. I kept my walls up.

“Let me go back to sleep, leave me alone,” I tried, but he persisted.

“And he told me about that time when he kissed you in the DX for the first time.”

I shivered as I remembered that. We had kissed plenty of times in the comfort of our own bedroom, just together in bed. It would never get further than kissing, but we were okay with that. We were taking baby steps. But the first time he kissed me in public was a time I’d never forget. Steve was manning the register and Soda and I were in the garage. He noticed no one was looking and he pressed me against a wall out of view from the doorway and kissed me. 

“I’ve wanted to do that all day,” he had said, leaving me breathless in a good kind of way. In the moment I was currently in, though, I was so breathless I was beginning to panic.

“And what?” I asked Steve, “You found him gross? Disgusting? Psychotic?”

“No,” he said seriously, “I just didn’t understand why someone would want to kiss their brother. But I didn’t hate him or anything, I was just there to listen when he needed me.”

“So he talked to you?” I asked, surprised, turning to look at him for the first time, “Did he tell you why he was sad all the time? I-I mean, I get it now- it was because of how wrong it all was- but what did he say?” My sudden eagerness made him grin just slightly. He had finally gotten through to me.

“It was always the same. That he was making you sad and he didn’t know how to stop himself.”

“It wasn’t his fault…”

“Don’t deny it,” he said, “he told you to keep it secret, that you guys weren’t allowed to talk about it. He told me that too. He said it was just to protect you. You… don’t have any idea how messed up he was.” His voice had somehow gotten softer and sadder sounding. “He didn’t want you to worry about him, that was all. If you knew what was in his head… Jesus, you wouldn’t have taken it as well as he did.”

I was starting to really cry, then. Steve was his best friend, of course he’d be open and honest with him, but it made me feel jealous and like he couldn’t trust me. I didn’t know whether or not to be mad in that moment but I was starting to shake. 

Jealousy was a bitch.

“What was he protecting me from?” I asked in a whisper. My throat was straining and cause me a headache. He looked me deep in the eyes and sighed.

“He was afraid of people hating you because of him. He was afraid of you killing yourself because of him. He was afraid of a lot of things- the point is, he thought if you stayed with him you were killing yourself but he couldn’t let you go. He was protecting you from himself.”

“Steve?” A soft voice asked from the hallway. We fell silent and looked back to see Mary in her nightgown at the edge of the hallway. He stood up and took a deep breath to compose himself better.

“It’s alright baby, I’m still here. Just talking to Ponyboy.”

“Ponyboy?” She asked, confused, and he sucked in a breath.

“Michael. I meant Michael- come on, let’s go to bed,” he said, stepping around the couch and walking up to her. He then looked back at me and said, “Get some water or something and go back to sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

I bid them goodnight and let them go. He was crazy to think I’d be able to sleep on everything he told me and he was crazy to think it would be beneficial to me in any way. I had always wanted to know Soda’s pain and sadness, I had always wanted to be able to help him, and what hurt me more than anything- in that moment at least- was that he had went to Steve and not me. That’s what made me feel like he didn’t trust me and made me feel like I was doing something wrong. He wasn’t here anymore and there was no way I could help him now.

I sighed and shook my head, wiping away my stray tears and standing up again, giving myself time for my vision to clear before I started my walk to the kitchen. Having something to drink sounded perfect in that moment. I just needed to breathe, so when I felt the icy coldness of water in my chest, relief washed over me with it. I didn’t want to think anymore. 

#

“You’re eating breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Don’t act like a kid, eat the damn food.”

“Don’t act like my mother, I won’t eat if I don’t want too.”

Steve growled angrily and rubbed his face stressfully. Mary was in the kitchen cooking pancakes; apparently it was a morning ritual for she and Steve to eat breakfast together, and Steve was nearly begging me to join. I was just ready to go home. I didn’t get any sleep and going home meant being in Soda’s shirts and feeling comfortable. It wasn’t healthy but at least I didn’t feel so sad when I was wearing them.

“Steve, honey, if Michael doesn’t want to eat he doesn’t have too. He can eat at the meeting later.”

I could see Mary was trying to help, but I didn’t want to eat at all. Steve was only stressing himself out further by the second and it wasn’t even nine.

“He’s not goin’ to the meeting! He’s staying here, he’s gonna eat, and I’m takin’ him to therapy.”

His teeth were bared shut as he spoke and it made me want to crawl into a hole. He’s always had a terrible temper and I could see he was trying to keep it down. I drew in a deep breath and sat up, rubbing my eyes and looking at him tiredly.

“Fine. Make me a plate. I’ll eat.”

He looked down at me skeptically and nodded, then walked into the kitchen to tell Mary to make me a plate. It had been a long time since I had actually eaten breakfast. Jonathan would offer some, but I’d decline. I usually wouldn’t leave bed for a while. It still meant something, though, that he’d try. 

Sighing, I stood up and stretched to wake myself up more. I observed the living room, seeing little trinkets placed about that looked like angels and animals. I knew for sure those belonged to Mary; the things that looked like they belonged to Steve were ashtrays and a few pictures that had he and a few people in them with him. One had his dad, another just his mother, and one with he, I, and the rest of our old gang. Those were the days.

“Good picture, isn’t it?” I heard a voice behind me ask. I nodded as Mary came to my side. “It’s Steve’s favorite. He doesn’t really talk about it much but I always see him looking at it.”

“Steve’s never been one to talk about his feelings,” I mumbled, resisting the urge to reach out and touch it. Soda was standing right next to me in that picture and he looked so tuff. “He’s real good at making other people talk about theirs, though.”

“I would know,” she said, carefully taking a small elephant figurine from off of the mantle, “my younger sister passed a few years ago and the only person I can really talk about it with is Steve.” She chuckled to herself, “He kinda forced it outta me. It’s that tough love of his. He really cares.” She looked at me with a soft look and my breath caught in my throat. I hated how much she reminded me of Soda in both looks and actions. Actions, that is, before we were together. He was always soft and gentle with me, though. “When did your brother pass?”

“Did Steve tell you about that?” I asked unsurely. She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder. I wasn’t sure how to feel about her affection.

“He doesn’t talk about that, either. I just know they were real close best friends and that you two were brothers. He looks like he was a real doll.”

“He was,” I said, smiling just slightly and feeling my heart start to ache, “he was nice to everyone, especially the girls who liked him. He always wanted what was best for me… and our friends of course.” I paused and remembered her question. “In… one week and six days, he will have been dead for ten years.”

“Sodapop’s a nice name,” she hummed. I nodded, feeling choked, but I continued to smile.

“I think so too.”

“Mary, don’t get ‘em started,” Steve said behind us. We turned around to see him looking in from the kitchen doorway, “the food’s ready, come on.”

She and I exchanged glances before walking towards the kitchen. The air smelled sweet and for once I wanted to eat what was served. It made me feel actually relaxed.

Steve noticed my sudden change in attitude and even smiled as he put plates down on the table. Boy did I have something to tell my therapist.

#

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Michael. It was really nice when you scheduled an appointment with me.”

“I… have a lot to talk about. If it doesn’t take up your time.”

“I have all the time in the world.”

Jess smiled softly at me and I nodded softly back at her. I hadn’t been to see her in a good few months despite us having a pretty good relationship. It was just hard to get out bed in the morning and too easy to forget in the night when I had liquor burning my throat. Since I had stopped drinking, the only thing I had been able to do is think and remember. I did not dig it.

I scratched my head as I relaxed into the office couch and Jess sat next to me leaving a little space between us just like old times. I could still remember my first therapy session.

_“What’s your name?”_  
“P… ponyboy…”  
“It’s alright, Ponyboy, just breathe. I won’t judge you, I promise. This is a really safe place. We don’t have to talk about what’s bothering you today, right now I just want you to focus on breathing.”  
“M-m-my brother told you, didn’t he?"  
“Yes... but that’s okay! If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have too. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want too. Just take your time.” 

Shivering, I looked at Jess and began to speak to clear my mind.

“I think I’m ready to start talking about… Soda and I’s relationship.”

This made her eyes light up and it melted me. Jess was a friendly girl who, like Soda, wanted the best for her patients. She wanted to be a friend as well as a therapist, be someone who was there for you. She was like Steve as well, in the aspect that she was good at getting people to open up about their problems. She was just nicer about it.

“That’s a big step, Michael, what’s got you wanting to open up?”

I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands nervously. She and Steve were the only ones that truly knew there was a relationship- the guys had all just figured it out on their own and never told for a fact there was one- and the only person I had ever talked to about it was Steve who already knew about it because of Soda. Jess wasn’t exactly a new person, but she didn’t know the story, and showing her my book (or more like, my thoughts), was going to leave me a mess. It was a good thing she was trained to deal with that sort of stuff.

“In two weeks, it’ll be the anniversary of his death… I was talking to Steve last night and he said I can’t hold it in forever.”

“Your friend sounds really smart, Michael.”

I opened my mouth to correct her, to tell her that he wasn’t really my friend, but I shut it as I realized that was very false. We may not have acted like friends, but deep down we were. I nodded and licked my lips.

“I’ve held it in for over ten years… I promised Soda I wouldn’t tell anyone. Is it wrong that I’m doing this even though I promised him I wouldn’t?”

“No,” she said hurriedly, cautiously setting a hand on my knee, “no, it’s not wrong. It’s very bad you’ve been holding all of those emotions and troubles inside of you and I know he’d want you to feel better from it.”

In a sense, that made me feel relieved. I knew Soda only wanted what was best for me, but conflictions and doubts inside of me held me back. I’m just not sure from what.

“He was so busy trying to make me happy that it made him miserable,” I started, not able to meet her eyes, “and he knew that only made me sad, so it made him sad. It was like… it was like not even I could make him happy, but he told me I did anyways.”

I gave her a side glance and saw that she had that look like she was in deep thought. She had expressed to me before that she was better at writing or typing her thoughts, it usually helped give a better, fuller, and clearer response she said, but actually hearing her opinions were better. In my opinion.

“Soda... “ she started, then sighed, “Did your brother have depression?” I nodded. “Did he… depend on you a lot?”

“What do you mean?”

Her expressions troubled me. She shifted nervously. “What were his friendships like with other people?”

“They were just fine I guess? Why?”

“Did he prefer to spend _all_ of his time with you?”

My breathing was becoming shallow at this point and I had to take a deep breath before I forgot to actually breathe. “I- I think so…”

“And how did that make you feel?”

She began to rub her thumb in circles on my knee to comfort me. I was remembering times, good and bad, of Soda saying he _only_ needed me, or he couldn’t live without me, and at the time I didn’t realize just how… toxic it was. My heart stung thinking that Soda was bad- he didn’t mean to be. He just wanted me to be happy.

“Scared… and good,” I confessed, squeezing the couch cushions in both of my hands, “because he needed me, and I needed him. It felt like,” I paused to chuckle a little, “like I couldn’t spend an hour away from him or I’d get nervous or jittery.”

Jess gave me a second to kind of breathe before she asked anymore questions. She was truly interested and curious. I didn’t think she’s had a case like mine before, whether it was the way Soda and I acted with each other or because we were brothers. She cared and was fascinated.

“I’ve noticed that’s how you seem to be often…” she pointed out and I nodded, scratching my throat.

“Yeah… I guess I’m still not used to not being around him. He would always try to comfort me as best as he could when I got like this.”

“Why do you feel nervous when you’re not around him?”

I tensed at her question. First, I couldn’t remember, and then I did and felt panicked. I stood up and put my trembling hands together again, and Jess watched as I kind of paced the office so I wasn’t holding in so much energy. My memory vaults were open and there was no stopping me at that moment. 

“I was always afraid he was going to kill himself!” I exclaimed, feeling like I was going crazy, “He- he hurt himself a lot, he wouldn’t eat and never wanted to leave our bed! He didn’t have any energy too because he was sad all the time because of me!”

“Pony,” Jess said softly, standing up and walking towards me slowly as she did, “It wasn’t your fault.” I shook my head and looked at her with tears streaming down my cheeks. I had myself totally convinced I was why Soda wanted to die.

“Well sure it is! If it wasn’t for me being there he woulda been happy!”

“Ponyboy, your brother was sick,” Jess said as calmly as she could. She reached for my hands and I let her take them, hoping to find the least bit of comfort and reassurance in them. I looked at her and as I did, and I felt that old feeling of being terrified I would feel nearly every day when I was sixteen and Soda was in the army. “It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t his fault that he was sad. Take a deep breath, okay? Do it with me.”

She drew in a slow, deep breath and I did the same. Embarrassment was starting to set in and I nearly laughed at myself. I was twenty-six years old and I was acting like a damn child. I shook my head and let go of her hands, then walked back over to the couch and stayed facing away from her.

“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my face and finding my breath, “I didn’t mean to freak out, I’m trying to get better at controlling myself.” My voice was raspy as I spoke, and it hurt to speak as I was trying not to cry anymore. It hurt my throat and gave me a terrific headache. She came up to my side and held my arm to herself, leaning her head on my shoulder. She knew exactly how to get me to calm down.

“It’s okay to lose control,” she said, using one hand to gently rub my back. She had me turn around so we could sit together and I just shrugged. “Sometimes, I mean. You have ten years worth of emotions in there that are just begging to come out and if it means losing control to get it out, then it’s okay. Just… as long as you do it safely and you don’t get arrested.”

She chuckled at her own joke, and to make her feel good I did as well. Slowly I could feel myself start to calm down and become less shaky, but as I calmed down I went from feeling an angry kind of sadness to just downright depressed. Not the neutral mood I was usually in.

“I ran out of sleeping pills,” I muttered, not able to meet her eyes again, “just a few weeks ago.” She tilted her head to the side and gave me a mixed look of sympathy and sadness.

“Didn’t you just get them a few weeks ago?” She asked and I nodded. I could feel disappointment radiating from her and it made me feel guilty. It was clear she knew what I had done with them as soon as I said that and I was glad I didn’t have to outright tell her. 

“I’m getting more soon. Jonathan said he’d hold them for me.”

Unlike Steve, she let me change the subject when it affected me too much. She would push and push, then let loose. She took her time trying to find the root of my problems or trying to know exactly what my thoughts were. Steve would push and push, and keep on until I was aggravated with him and I would scream what my problems were through tears. Jess let me come to her. Steve made me come to him. Still, though, I was thankful for both of them.

“Do you still sleep with Soda’s shirts?” She asked carefully. I nodded and looked at her, and she looked at me unsurely, like she was trying to decide what she wanted to say. Finally she spoke again. “Tonight I want you to try and sleep without them. I think if you can get used to that, you’ll be able to sleep more normally.”

I snickered and stood up, shaking my head and walking towards the door. I decided I had taken up too much of her time.

“I’ve never been able to sleep too good without ‘em near me, that’s impossible.”

“Well… try. Just one night. And if you do, tell me how it goes. Okay?”

I stopped in the doorway before I left her office and hesitantly nodded. I knew I was going to regret it, but she was a professional and I had to trust her.

“Alright, I’ll try it soon.”

She smiled. “Good.”


	3. Manic Monday

I didn’t sleep for three days.

Colors from the TV flashed before my eyes but I didn’t really watch and of it. All I did was stare- I didn’t care what was on. All I could really do was sit in that bed and hope it could all be over soon. The average human can survive for about three weeks without food and water, and that was all I could think about. How long I was still going to be alive for before my time was up.

I did as my therapist had asked me to do. Sleep without Soda’s shirts. They were all still hung up in the closet with care, and every so often my eyes would wander over, longing for me to go get one of them and finally rest, but I had to trust her. I had to kick this habit of depending on Soda for everything.

On the fourth day of not being seen leaving my room, Jonathan came in to talk to me. Not to ask me if I was hungry, not to ask if I needed anything or to make light conversation, but to talk to me. For the longest time we were silent best friends, meaning we barely had to speak to understand each other. We were always there for each other. Such as in this moment, when he was here for me.

“Michael..?” He asked timidly, opening my door. I didn’t respond, not caring too. I just continued to stare at the infomercial that was on TV. He stood in the doorway a second, unsure if he should enter- he was always hesitant and careful with what he was doing. I sighed, rolled my eyes without meaning too, and waved him over. He made sure to shut the door behind himself as he approached. His eyes scanned the dim room and I could see real worry in his features when he saw that I had old papers scattered around on the bed and floor along with a few medals. “Your therapist called earlier… She just wanted to know how you were doing. A-and Lucas, too.”

“Steve,” I muttered monotonously, shutting my eyes, “shouldn’t care. Jess shouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

Jonathan tensed so much it even made me a little uneasy. It was never right to be short with him, he never was with anyone else. I wanted to apologize but I didn’t. I didn’t say anything until he said something else.

“It matters to me… I’m worried about you. I-I always am. Maybe we can go pick up your prescription-”

“My sleeping pills?” I asked quickly, finally looking at him. He nodded slightly, giving me an unsettled look.   
“And you still want me to hold onto them for you… right? Because I don’t think you should hold them…” 

“Why not?” I snapped, making him wince. As I saw it, it was the perfect opportunity to finally rid myself of this god-awful world. Jonathan though, despite being nervous and jumpy about how I was being, would have none of it.

“‘Cause I don’t want what happened last time to happen again,” he confessed, running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath. I didn’t say anything back; I just wanted him to leave me alone. He continued, though. “I was thinking if you left the apartment… got some air… it might help you out a little. It’s been a while since we’ve really hung out together, huh?”

“You don’t wanna hang out with me,” I said, feeling my thoughts become more blackened and plagued with negativity, “I’m a stick in the mud. A chump. A burn out.”

“I really do want to hang with you, Michael,” he tried, “I care about you. We’ve always been there for each other.” He took in a breath and looked at my TV, then looked at me and saw that I had turned my attention to the closet. That must have been when he noticed I wasn’t wearing a flannel, because his eyes widened and he began walking to the closet. I shot up like a bullet and grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Don’t you give me a flannel, Johnny, I don’t want it.”

He paused and gave me a strange look, and I felt my heart plummet to my stomach when my words replayed in my head and I heard the mistake.

“You don’t want one?” He asked, and I let out a sigh of relief when he didn’t ask about me calling him by his nickname. I just shook my head and let him go, making a fist out of that hand and biting a knuckle.

“I’m gonna get rid of all of ‘em. Every shirt, every letter, every dog tag- all of it. Give it all to Darrel or throw it all away.”

This must have really disturbed him because the look in his eyes showed a hint of fear.

“You’re gonna regret it if you do, I don’t really think you should. But I guess I can’t stop you…” he trailed off and was quiet for a second before changing the subject. “I think I’m gonna call Lu- Steve.” He began to walk towards the bedroom door and looked at me before he left. I could tell he was hesitant in doing so, wondering if he actually needed too, but I waved him off.

“Do what you think needs to be done; I don’t care,” I said, shutting my eyes again and dropping my head back against the headboard. The door squeaked as he shut it and I hurriedly looked around for my remote to turn the TV down so I could hear what Johnny had to say to him. I didn’t much care, I was just nosey.

“-No, it’s Johnny… Pony isn’t doin’ so good… I-I think he’s gonna try something…”

I felt so numb in that moment but despite it, I could feel myself start to tear up. I felt pathetic, sitting there in bed and contemplating suicide as my best friend worried about me. I didn’t want him too, I didn’t want anyone too. I didn’t deserve for them too.

I grabbed at my head and shook it slowly, as all I had wanted was to stop thinking so badly. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop caring about Soda, I wanted to stop being in love with him, I wanted to stop feeling like I was so worthless _because_ I was in love with him. 

Tears streamed down my face and I felt the sudden urge to scream. Instead, I made myself get out of bed, I turned off the TV, and I stormed out of my bedroom. Johnny was still on the phone when I walked towards the apartment’s entrance and grabbed the keys from the hook besides the door.

“Where are you going?” He asked, and I shook my head and slammed the door behind myself as I went towards the stairs. I could hear a quiet “I’ll be right back!” and suddenly Johnny was on my tail. “Michael, you haven’t had anything for three days, you really shouldn’t be driving-”

“Then _here_ ,” I said sharply, shoving the keys against his chest, “you take the fucking keys. I want to get my prescription and get the hell back in bed. I need some sleep before I-”

“Alright!” He said quickly, nodding understandingly, “let me go hang up the phone and we’ll leave.” He took a step backwards then dashed back into the apartment, where he told Steve we were leaving and hung up. He was back to me in nearly a second, and we were silent as we walked out to the parking lots. As soon as I sat down in the passenger seat, I gave him a quiet ‘thank you’ for driving for me. Standing up so suddenly and walking so quickly made my vision go black and made me go so light headed I nearly fell. 

“You’re welcome,” he responded quietly, tapping his thumb on the wheel. He seemed to be starting to calm down. We were quiet again until he asked, “You’re not gonna throw that stuff away, are you?” I sighed and rubbed my face. 

“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. I think Jess thinks I should.”

“Why do you think that..?”

“Because,” I said, “‘Having things there that are a constant reminder of your brother seem to be making you worse… Maybe putting things away might help’, end quote.” My voice was so bitter I could taste it, and I grimaced. “But I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe! Just maybe! If I listened to her for once, I could get better!”

“I don’t really think that’s the problem,” Johnny suggested, and that really got me interested.

“And why do you think that?” I asked him, trying my best to keep my eyes focused on him. My sudden outburst of anger had really gotten my battery to drain faster and I thought for a second: I might end up passing out before we got my medicine.

“I-I don’t know,” he said, turning a little pink in the cheeks, “it’s just a feeling. Like… maybe you feel like if you did that, it’d be like leaving him, and you don’t wanna do that. It’d probably make you feel even worse about yourself...”

“Bingo,” I mumbled, resting my head against my chair and shutting my eyes. Not in an attempt to sleep, but just to feel relaxed and comfortable. I was steadily moving back to a more depressed state rather than an anger-filled one. “I don’t wanna leave him like he left me.”

“I don’t think that’s how it happened…” he said under his breath. I snickered.

“You don’t know, you didn’t even know we were together until after he died,” I mumbled. I couldn’t feel anything then, I was too tired. He started to talk, something about it not being his fault, but I had suddenly passed out.

#

“C’mon Michael, we’re back,” Johnny said caringly, shaking my lightly. I bolted upright and gave Johnny a slightly terrified look before realizing that I had fallen asleep in the car. My cheeks turned hot and I didn’t wait another second before letting him help me get out without falling over. We stayed still until my vision was no longer black then we continued our way to our apartment. I hadn’t noticed that Steve’s car was there and wished I knew it before we entered the apartment and saw him pacing the living room. He stopped when he saw us, and Johnny just carefully led me to the couch and sat me down. “Here,” He mumbled, pulling out a pill bottle from his jeans. Steve stopped him by shaking his head.

“He’s eating first,” he said coldly, then walked to the kitchen. My stomach flipped and turned sour, stinging from its own acid. Johnny sat next to me in an attempt to comfort me, but I scat away from him some and put my head in my hands.

“I just want to be alone.”

“No fuckin’ way kid,” I heard Steve almost yell. I winced at his words. “You’re gonna eat, you’re gonna sleep, then-”

“Stop tellin’ me what to do!” I barked suddenly, my face turning red from anger this time. My emotions were everywhere and everything seemed to be triggering me. Or maybe it was just because I was so exhausted. I’ve always had an attitude when I got tired. “I’m not a kid no more, I don’t need adult supervision or somebody tellin’ me how to live my life!”

“Well when you stop actin’ like a kid, Johnny can let me know and I’ll leave you alone! I’m _so_ sorry for not wantin’ you to kill yourself!” He fired back, slamming a cabinet shut. Johnny and I both flinched and I squeezed my hands together to make two fists. I didn’t have the energy to fight him, but boy did I want too. 

I opened my mouth again to pop off a smart comment, but he was walking back in with a peanut butter sandwich on a paper plate before I could and he was setting it on the coffee table in front of me.

“After you sleep, I’m taking you to a meeting, okay?” He asked suddenly calmly. It was more of a ‘I’m going to do this’ instead of a ‘can I do this’, but I said Okay anyways. For a second, I felt myself nearly pass out again before he and Johnny were having me sit up and actually eat. I had been in the hospital more than once for things I wasn’t proud of, but I had formed the opinion that that year was my worst year. Year ten was my breaking point.

After I had finished my sandwich (which took me a considerable amount of time to finish- I kept nearly falling asleep without the energy to even chew), Johnny finally gave me the regular amount of pills I was supposed to be taking. I knew I would be waking up within hours as I vaguely remembered I only got a few when Steve gave me some of his, but I was out like a light when they had finally left me alone.

#

_I look at the stars and think: Those are the same ones you look at every night. The ones we used to look at together instead of apart. I’ll imagine you sitting here with me looking at them even though I know by that time, you’re in school. It helps me get through the night._

I awoke with a start, feeling like I couldn’t breathe. As soon as I opened my eyes, I shut them again, finding the room I was in too bright. It was then I realized I was still in the living room, and the events of that day came rushing back towards me. Prescription. Crying. Yelling. It’s just another manic Monday.

Johnny, who was sitting in the recliner just by the couch, was by my side immediately.

“Hey Pone, you’re alright,” he said soothingly. I nodded, breathing in through my mouth as I found my nose was stuffy. I just needed a second to compose myself better before I opened my eyes and pushed myself to sit up with his assistance. When I looked up, Steve was standing on my other side and looking down at me.

“What’s with the water works?” He asked, and I shook my head and wiped my cheeks.

“Don’t remember,” I lied. “What time is it?”

“Nearly eight. Mary is getting ready for a meeting, so I’ll be taking both of you.” When he finished, he seemed to be sitting on his words and had something else to say. I didn’t push when he decided not to say what, I didn’t particularly care. “Do you wanna take a shower, maybe? Comb your hair?”

His voice kept changing, I noticed, from hard set to caring. I realized once again that I hadn’t even taken the time to ask how he was doing, and I made a mental note to do so later when we were alone again.

“I guess I’ll brush my hair,” I sighed, popping my knuckles and pushing on my knees to stand. Johnny stood with me in case I started to lean over, but I held up a hand to say I was okay and made my way to the bathroom. Since the sixties, I had really let my hair grow out long. I looked more like the hippies or the freak weeds rather than a greaser. It seemed like they had all been drafted into the war or turned into pot heads that fought for futile peace. Granted, the war had ended two years ago, but there was always something they wanted peace over. I didn’t judge, though; it wasn’t my place to judge.

I was out soon enough, still exhausted but feeling a little refreshed after cleaning up slightly and finally leaving my room. Steve and I left after telling Johnny I’d be brought back later (as if I were a kid being handed off to the divorced parent), and when we reached Steve’s place, I could feel a nostalgic sense of warmth that drew me closer.

“Do you think I’m stable enough for a meeting?” I asked him half-sarcastically and half-jokingly. He smirked as we walked inside.

“It’s a place for crazies, you’ll fit right in.”

“Hey, stranger!” Mary called from the hallway. I smiled as she came nearer, hugging her back as she hugged me. We practically melted into each other, feeling so comfortable with each other oddly enough. I was the first to back away, though, knowing the boundaries. She was Steve’s girl, I had no right to step in. Even if she did have the qualities of a certain someone. I wouldn’t have doubted if that was why Steve was with her to begin with.

“Where’ve you been, huh? Steve wouldn’t tell me nothin’.” I looked at him, then looked back at her and shrugged.

“Just been kinda sick,” I said, which wasn’t exactly a lie, “but it’s alright- I’m okay,” I finished, which wasn’t exactly the truth. I was just more okay than I have been in four days. She nodded, and gently caressed my arm. 

“Well I’m glad you’re here, Steve’s been worried about you.”

I cocked a brow and sent another look towards Steve who was looking down and away. She let out a short titter and a I smiled a little more.

“Could we just go?” Steve asked. Mary nodded, turning towards him and taking one of his hands from his pockets. 

“As you wish.”

#

“Ah, the newcomer! We didn’t think you’d show up again since it’s been a few days!”

I was in line for some coffee before the meeting when an elderly woman started talking to me. I looked at her and tried remembering who she was, and she must have realized this, so she laughed a soft laugh. “I never really introduced myself. I’m Stephanie. I sat next to you at your first meeting.”

“Oh!” I said, finally remembering. “Yeah, yeah, yeah- it’s nice to see you again.”

“Your girlfriend over there is very beautiful,” she complimented, pointing towards Mary who was talking to another girl. A blush spread across my cheeks and I shook my head as I stepped up to the coffee machine and began pouring.

“Sh-she’s, uh… not my girlfriend. She’s got a boyfriend. She’s not ever said anything about him?”

“Oh, no!” She said with a small laugh, “We’ve always assumed she was alone. That’s too bad, we thought she was taken with you.”

I gave Stephanie a dubious smile before walking away and finding a place to sit. I figured just because I came here with Mary didn’t mean I had to sit with her. Not that I was opposed to it- I just wanted to sit and wait for the meeting to start without having to wait for her. When I sat down, I only figured I was down for a few seconds before she was sitting next to me.

“Ms. Crawford sure is nice, isn’t she?” She asked, blissfully unaware of the conversation we just had. I nodded and took a sip of my coffee, keeping my eyes off of her. I just needed to stay stable until the end of the meeting, then I could go home. Granted, I did feel a little better after getting some sleep and actually eating, but I still just wanted to be alone. “Good golly, Steve was right,” she said, and I cocked my brow.

“What are you golly-ing about?” I asked, giving her a side glance, and she nearly giggled.

“Your ears get awfully red when you blush!”

I growled under my breath and just shook it off. I’ve always hated that. She noticed how closed off I was being and sat a little closer. 

“Awe come on, Michael, I’m just teasing. You’re real cute when you blush.”

“You’re sending me mixed signals here,” I muttered into my drink. Before she could get another word out, Ms. Stephanie Crawford was announcing that the meeting was starting and asking if anyone wanted to come up. As others spoke, I contemplated coming up and apologizing for not showing up in the last few days. Nobody but Mary probably cared but I just felt the need too.

“- Anyways… I’m thankful to be sober and I’m thankful to be here.”

Everyone clapped as a tall man walked back to his seat, and before the question of ‘would anyone else like to share’ was asked, I was raising my hand. 

“Hi. Michael. Alcoholic.”

“Hi, Michael.”

“I’ve had… a rough weekend.”

As I spoke, I felt everything just leaving me. I talked vaguely about what had happened, only saying that I had missed my brother and that was really the main reason I wanted to drink. Suddenly cutting myself off cold-turkey from alcohol was taking its toll on me and every fiber of my being wanted to go to the bar and ask for a bottle of vodka. 

And I thought this program was supposed to make you feel like _not_ drinking.

“It’ll take some time to get used to going to these things, but I’ll get in the groove of it eventually. That’s all I really got… thanks.”

“That’s all we have time for today…”

Once I was done speaking I was standing up, stretching, and making my way out of that room. The meeting was over, I took my turn, and I needed some air. Mary was close behind me, probably to make sure I wasn’t going to hurt myself or leave her behind. Once outside, my first instinct was to learn against the building, and so I did with no where else to go. She stood quietly besides me for a minute, then looked at me with those adorable puppy-dog eyes.

“Sounds like you and Soda were real close,” she said, “like me and my sister.”

“You could say that I guess,” I snickered, pulling a sour smile, “depends on how close you were.” It took everything in me not to laugh. Not that it was funny, but because she just didn’t know just how close Soda and I were. She hesitated to continue, but her voice stayed soft.

“We were best friends… she died in Vietnam, too.”

I felt the color drain from my face and I shook my head, deciding to change the subject. That was something I didn’t want to talk about. Something I _couldn’t_ talk about. 

“When’s Steve picking us up?” I asked quickly. She mumbled ‘any second now’ and the conversation dropped. As we waited, the question of ‘How in the world is AA supposed to make you feel better’ lingered in my mind. Some people in there claimed that because of the program, they’ve been sober for so many years. I had been referred to the place by my therapist, so I guessed I just had to ask her next time I saw her.

When Steve arrived, Mary took front seat and he drove me home. Exhaustion still plagued my mind and body, so as I saw Johnny standing outside waiting for me so I wouldn’t walk alone as we pulled up, I couldn’t even be upset. I just wanted to go to bed.

“Call Jess tomorrow, alright?” Steve asked when I left the vehicle. He wasn’t looking too fresh himself. “She sounded worried. Said she wouldn’t charge the call.”

“I’ll think about it.”

He nodded once then pulled out of the parking lot. Mary gave me a longing look as they left, then when they were out of sight, Johnny and I were walking back to the apartment. I made a half-serious joke asking if I was under some kind of suicide-watch, and when he looked noticeably uncomfortable by it, I decided just to shut my trap. It was apparent he wasn’t feeling like his normal self either, which concerned me. I would have been even more concerned if I wasn’t so tired. Thankfully, we made it back inside sooner than my mind made it seem and I was off to my room. I paused, though, before I entered.

“Johnny?” I asked. He stopped in front of his bedroom, to, and looked down the hall at me.

“Yeah?”

I was unsure of what I wanted to say as I teetered on my options, but I chose the one that would, of course, weigh down on me. 

“Think I should sleep with one of his shirts?”

He softened some and nodded. “Yeah… it helps you sleep better. I don’t want you feeling any worse, man.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

My thanks wasn’t just for the opinion, but for him dealing with me while I was out of my mind. He meant more to me than I let on, but I figured he knew that. We could read each other like books. 

He smiled back, gave a short nod, then entered his room. I began my walk into mine, but I was only a few feet in when I heard his voice again.

“Michael,” he said, and I was quick to stumble back into the hall and give him a questioning look, “you’re not really gonna throw that stuff away, are ya?”

I pondered on it a second then shook my head. “I don’t think I will.”

Again he nodded and continued into his room. I did the same, shutting my door behind me. Finding myself alone at last, I made the decision to start tidying my bedroom a little before going to bed. I gathered the letters and medals I had scattered around carelessly and put them back in the box they were once in, then that was set back in the closet. Less than reluctantly I was grabbing a green flannel from off of a hanger and holding it to my chest as I fell onto my bed. I thought about how Jess might react to that, thinking she might be disappointed, but I was feeling more relaxed having it with me and I figured that just because I needed to get better didn’t mean I needed to right then.

“God I wish you were here…” I sighed as I made myself comfortable. It was then I realized I accidentally left a paper under my blanket. The crinkling sound caught my attention and I groaned as I picked up the blanket and reached for it. My first instinct was to put it with the rest of the papers, but instead of taking that wise decision, I decided to read it.

_I want you to know that that all is not true at all. You’re not a disgrace, you’re not a disappointment, you’re not any of that stuff. You’re my world. My universe. Darry loves you. I love you. Mom and Dad love you. I know it’s hard, but you gotta keep going kiddo. It’s gonna be alright. One of these days, I’m gonna come home and you’re gonna hear me say that. I’ll come home and I’ll never let you go. You just gotta keep on going and waiting for me, okay? As long as you’re here, then so am I. I’m not ever gonna leave you. Just… keep going._

I was in tears by the time I finished reading the whole thing, and I was squeezing his flannel shirt tightly in my other hand, using it to cover my mouth in case any sobs wanted to slip past me. It was so much easier reading those when I couldn’t feel anything at all. 

Lazily, I put it on my nightstand, not wanting to get up and put it in the box with the other papers. I found it tedious. With a shaky exhale, I lied back onto my pillows and stared up at my ceiling, feeling a strong sense of déjá vu as I did. I had been in this exact situation many times before. Reading his letters, crying into his shirts, and finding myself not being able to sleep for days seemingly without end. I cursed at myself, calling myself an idiot, a freak, and everything else I could think of. After a while of that, I admitted defeat and turned on my side so I could reach for the landline. 

“Hello?” A light voice asked. I sighed of relief when she answered.

“Jess, it’s Michael.”

She gasped. “Oh! I called to check on you earlier when you didn’t call me about our little experiment… How did that go?” At least she didn’t mind how late it was, I thought.

I hesitated to tell her the truth, then decided not too. “It went great. I mean, I couldn’t sleep for a few hours after I usually would, but… I eventually fell asleep.”

I was barely listening to what she was saying after that. I just kept feeling mad at myself, now because I was lying to my therapist when I had originally called to tell her how bad I was feeling. I just couldn’t do it. So much for progress.

“... It’s alright to have them near, but maybe slowly moving on would be best.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said absentmindedly, running a hand through my hair, “I hear what you’re saying. Listen, uh… I don’t know the next time I’ll be able to see you.”

“Oh, that’s too bad… Is there something you need to talk about?”

“Not right now. But thanks for talking to me.”

She hummed lightly. “Any time, Michael. Goodnight.”

“Good night…” I sighed, putting the phone back on the receiver. I wished the call would have gone the way I wanted it, with me telling her that I had cried and why, but it was too late to get to deep with anything. I just needed to feel better, or at least calm, and I did. I wasn’t crying anymore. Just tired. So, I turned back over on my back and shut my eyes. My thoughts still stayed on the letter, and I tried to remember just what I had sent him to make him send something like that back to me. To have him tell me to ‘keep going’ and to remind me that I was loved and wasn’t a disappointment hit me something awful. I could safely say that now that I was an adult, I was doing better than when I was a teen. Sure, I’m an alcoholic and have had a few suicide attempts, and yeah, I was still sleeping with his shirts and constantly thinking of him, but I was better. At least, it felt like that.

When I felt myself finally falling asleep, I was disturbed by a knocking sound at my door. I sat up to see Johnny coming in, giving me an uncertain look.

“I-I’m sorry if I woke you up… I just thought you wanted your medicine.”

I smiled at him and nodded.

“Thanks for holding onto ‘em, Johnny.”


	4. Forever Young

I was never diagnosed with anything.

Sleeping medication was about the only medication I had to take, and I wasn’t even diagnosed with Insomnia. Those pills were easy to get. I never thought about getting evaluated for Depression, Anxiety, or anything like that. I didn’t care too, either. As long as I was still alive, I thought I was fine. Despite the harm I had done and was doing to myself, I was fine.

I expressed this at the next Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I didn’t talk every time; like Mary, I was more of a listener, but I’d get the impulse to talk and so I would.

“The anniversary of my brother’s death is soon. It just gives me all the more reason to drink every bottle I have up in the cabinet. I don’t even know why I have a cabinet,” I paused to laugh a little. That day, I felt strangely more lively than I usually did. Probably because I was actually putting in the effort to feel like that. “I don’t think my roommate likes to drink all that much. I might just give it all to our friend Two-Bit or something. I don’t know. I guess that’s really all I have for now.”

I walked back to my seat with a fresh sense of relief after getting that off my chest. Most people just need to talk about things once and they’d feel better from it, like if it was bottled in after a while. When you’ve got ten years worth of things bottled, though, talking about things with your therapist, your AA peers, and finally your dead brother’s best friend might help better, too.

Mary was a big comfort. She warmed up to me quickly, always choosing to hang around when I was over with Steve or staying close to me at the meetings. She’d listen clearly as I spoke and her hugs always felt the warmest. I liked her good enough and felt a little funny about that because of the similarities between her and Soda. First it was just the physical ones, that being her hair, lips, and eyes, then when I began to experience her personality, it just drew me closer. She was caring, compassionate, excitable, and I loved it. She was just like Soda before he had feelings for me. 

Of course I was careful around her as well. Along with that happy, nostalgic feeling I’d feel around her, I was almost terrified of catching feelings for her. Some days, I would feel like relapsing because of our closeness. 

“You should stay over for dinner tonight, Michael!” She suggested one night as we helped clean up after a meeting. She was all about volunteering for things, and I decided to stick around. “I know Stevie wouldn’t mind it at all, and you can invite your roommate if you want, too. Steve’s friends with him, too, isn’t he?”

“Johnny? Yeah, we’ve all been friends for years. I’ll think about it.”

She always had this rosy tint to her cheeks which I secretly admired. I’d notice it when we’d talk along with that dreamy-seeming look that would come to her. It was such a good thing I was good at hiding how I was feeling. When I really wanted too, anyways.

Steve and Mary helped me find a job, too. I was to start in retail a couple weeks after Soda’s death. Something simple and easy. After I had found out that Johnny had paid the rent and bills with his own money and some we had set aside, I had decided to that I needed to get myself back on track for real. I made sure to tell him that I’d make it up to him and I that I felt awful, but he was understanding.

“You’ve really been on edge lately, Michael. It’s a really hard time for you and you broke down, I get it. I’m not upset, I just want you to feel better without any extra pressure.”

That was something that really made me feel like I wasn’t alone for once. I’ve always felt alone. Keeping secrets from your best friend can do that to a person. When the person you’re most in love with keeps secrets from you- now _that_ can really make a person feel alone. What’s worse is I _couldn’t_ tell these secrets, and now that I can and actually feel like I can, I can barely let myself do it.

The AA meetings weren’t an everyday thing, and seeing Jess really became an every-once-in-a-while thing as well. Therapy was expensive whether we liked each other or not. When the death date neared at an alarming rate, Darry and Dally came over more often. They still lived in town, meaning Darry still lived where he did when he took care of Soda and I, and Dally still slept where he could. Seeing them was strangely nice for once though Dally still wasn’t the nicest of people. He still acted his age, though. Fortunately.

“How ya holdin’ up, man?” Dally asked me once. It was three in the morning and he had decided to take station on our couch. Darry still slept at our old home, but he’d stay over a few hours before leaving. The only reason I was up and awake was because, of course, I couldn’t sleep. Except it wasn’t just for the obvious reason, either. Soda wasn’t the only person on my mind that night. A certain young lady was, too.

He sat up and made room for me to sit next to him, and so I did. I was quiet for a moment, trying to choose my words correctly. I wasn’t even completely sure of my own feelings, I was really just tired and thirsty, but I was used to these early morning chats. Steve frequented them with me.

“I’m good. Ah- better than I could be.”

Dally and I were never really deep and personal with each other. He knew things, I knew things, but things were never really talked about. Dally was just never someone I could talk to about things. He was rough, cold, and closed up. I used to like to think of myself like that. 

“Groovy, man. What’re you doin’ up so late?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Don’t get mouthy with me. I could still beat your ass.”

I let out a breath when I felt like he wasn’t going to make me talk. It made me feel less anxious and actually more willing too. Not that I was going too and not that I did, but at least I could feel relaxed. He’d talk to me if I felt like I needed too.

“I couldn’t sleep. And what about you?”

“Don’t want to sleep. I was just about to head out and meet Two-Bit down the street to get some drinks. I’d take you with us, but Johnny told us you were gettin’ sober.”

“Yup. I’m now officially two weeks and one day sober. And every minute of it sucks.”

This made him grin, and I grinned with him. It wasn’t a joke, but I presented it like it was one as to not sound too soft. Right then, I was teetering on taking him up on his offer on going with him and Two-Bit to a bar, but ultimately decided that was too risky. I’d feel like the third wheel for not getting a drink with two guys who were obviously going to have more fun than I would have had, and I felt like if I could go two weeks and a day, then I could survive another day without. Besides, I wasn't feeling too bad, or bad enough, right then.

“Well go, don’t keep ‘em waiting,” I said, standing up and cuing him to stand as well. He did, straightening his jacket, and he gave me a pat on the shoulder as he made his way to the door. Before he was gone and before I could make it inside the kitchen, he asked, just for the hell of it, if I wanted to go anyways and I told him they wouldn’t want a stick in the mud to hang around. He left without another word, and finally I could get my drink.

I didn’t turn the lights on just for the sake of staying in the dark. I couldn’t say it made me feel calm or serene, but it certainly kept me from feeling too awake and without feeling so I was doing good for the most part. I drank my water, lingered in the silence for a bit, then made the walk back to my bedroom. It was when I opened my bedroom door did a memory suddenly hit me at full force. I looked towards my bed and standing there was Soda, eighteen, with me, fifteen.

_“Baby, please don’t worry about me. I don’t want you getting so worked up over nothing- I’m completely alright.”_  
Pony looked at Soda with tears welling in his eyes. Soda was shaking before him asking him to do something that was impossible for him to do. His heart ached so bad he couldn’t breathe, and in an unsure gesture, he reached out and took hold of Soda’s shirt, pulling himself closer to his brother.  
“Why do you keep lying to me?” He asked, barely audible. Soda wrapped his arms around him and put his chin on his head, shutting his eyes and gently rocking him side to side as he did.  
“I never wanted you to end up like this.” 

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, at least not properly. Aie flew in and out of my lungs at a rapid pace and I was more light headed than I would have preferred to feel. I was shaking as bad as Soda was in that memory, too. I didn’t remember what he meant, I didn’t even know why I had that specific memory come to me, but I knew I needed to get out of there before my oncoming panic attack got worse. As quickly as I could I left the apartment, taking a deep breath of the warm summer air. Autumn didn’t start for a good few weeks, fortunately enough; I couldn’t run out in the cold.

I just needed to get my mind off of Soda. Coincidentally, my mind drifted to Steve’s girlfriend, and I cursed at myself under my breath. I didn’t know whether I liked her for her or because she was similar to Soda and it made me feel like a bad person. It wasn’t fair of me at all, and it wasn’t fair for her or Steve. As far as I figured, Steve needed her, and I wasn't mentally capable of a relationship but my heart begged to differ.

#

I walked for a long time. Tulsa saw the sun at approximately six in the morning, and I decided a good time to get back to my apartment was when the sky turned pink. Numbing depression had cloaked over my shoulders by this time, but at least I could breathe properly.

When I got to the apartment, I didn’t go in. I held onto the door handle for a bit of time, standing there and staring at where it touched my hand, and I decided I couldn’t go in. I instead took a deep breath and sighed, turning around and standing by the edge and railing that kept me from falling onto the porch of the apartment below. Looking off into the distance, past the streets and buildings, I observed as Eos brought on dawn.

I chuckled as I thought about that. Greek mythology was always a special interest of mine, but for some reason I had fallen out of it. I fell out of a lot of things I used to love and enjoy, and it saddened me further to think about that. I could have been an astronomer, a philosopher, an author, but instead I ruined myself.

I thought about this for a few moments until the sun began to rise. This, I watched with intent and longing, almost forgetting everything else that was on my mind. I remembered I hadn’t seen a sun rise in years and I felt tears come to me. I shut my eyes for a few long seconds and almost felt someone next to me, almost felt like _he_ was with me, but when I opened my eyes, Johnny was by my side, and I quickly stood up right and wiped my tears away.

“When did you leave last night?” He asked coolly, keeping his eyes on the distant sun. I leaned back against the railing with him and let out a breath.

“When Dally did. Did he come back?”

“Eventually. He’s still asleep waiting for a hangover.” Saying this made him smile slightly.

“What are you doing awake?” I asked, a bit worried. The fact that he had a job didn’t come to mind in that moment. He shrugged, then gave me an answer I didn’t expect.

“I wanted to watch the sun rise. I do it every morning.”

I fell quiet again and pondered on that. I remembered a time, once upon a time, where I would wake up every morning just to do the same thing. Be it with him or with Soda, or even just by myself which I was rather fond of, I’d watch Helios on his golden chariot bring the sun up from under the heavens. It was always a breathtaking sight, to see the colors of the sky fade and meld together. It gave me a sense of hope and in that moment, it did.

“Why do you still do this?” I asked, unfeeling. Still, I felt the sudden impulse for a morning pint of whiskey right then, but I kept myself grounded. Johnny rubbed his tired eyes, then leaned forward against the warm railing.

“Sometimes I do it just to do it, and sometimes I remember the good times, you know? I don’t know, man, I feel calm doing it. Hopeful I guess. The only sound you hear is the birds chirping, the air is cool with dew on the grass, the sun isn’t so bright you can’t look, and it’s all just… calm. Young.” He smiled a little more and shook his head, looking down at the grass as he did. “This makes absolutely no sense, does it?”

“I don’t think I’ve heard you talk so much at one time,” I joked, cracking a smile. He let out a short laugh and kinda nodded, tilting his head a little to look at me.

“You remember the good times? When we were all always together, watchin’ TV or going to the drive in…”

“Fightin’ Socs and fighting for the last piece of chocolate cake,” I added, feeling a little choked up. He looked fine, though. Like he was prepared to talk about this and thought about it every day to the point where he couldn’t cry anymore. Either that, or he just didn’t get as emotional about it as I did. 

“Yeah,” he said, taking a deep breath and sighing, “it was different back then, wasn’t it?”

“Never thought about having to grow up,” I said, speaking what was on both of our minds, “Thought we’d stay like that forever. All… seven of us.”

We reverted back to silence after I said that, and just watched the sun come up. He was the first to go back inside, needing to get ready for work, but I remained still on the porch, sitting in the heavy quiet and sadness. I wanted to go back inside, maybe catch some more sleep, but it just didn’t feel right. The bed was empty and I was alone. Nothing felt real, like I wasn’t meant to be where I was and everything that’s happened shouldn’t have been. I wanted to be back in nineteen sixty-five, just before my parents died and before anything happened between me and Soda. When everyone was happy. Unfortunately, you don’t always get what you want. Especially when you’re me. 

“Are you going to be okay today?” Johnny asked when he came back out. I nodded and looked at him tiredly.

“Yeah… It’s just hard.”

“You’re getting better, though,” he suggested, smiling softly, “you’re doin’ it.”

“I am,” I said, rubbing my eyes and standing up right again. I smiled a little back at him and he gave a short wave before going down the staircase and out to his car. It was then I decided to just push through and go inside, wanting to sleep before I got dragged out of the apartment for god-knows-what later. Reaching my bedroom, I held the shirt I was holding the night before close to me and got comfortable, feeling more tired as I did. My mind replayed the walk I took, how I had observed the stars and any possible constellations, how I was alone in the quiet town. It hit me, suddenly, why I had had that flashback of me and Soda. Why he said he didn’t want me to end up like ‘this’. He didn’t want me to end up exactly how I did today. 

#

_“I’m losing him, Johnny. Every day it’s like he’s leaving me more and more.”_  
“What do you mean?”  
“His eyes don’t light up anymore. He doesn’t smile up to his ears anymore. I don’t make him happy anymore… But he says he can’t lose me. I have no idea what that means and it scares me. He’s not the same Soda he used to be.” 

“Michael… Hey Michael, wake up!”

My eyes opened at the sound of that sweet voice. My heart jumped back to life, and yet, I stayed lying still. Her smile softened me, but my feelings stayed numb. My heart just ached.

“What’re you doin’ in here?” I asked Mary who made herself comfortable sitting on the edge of my bed. She looked down at her hands as I sat up.

“Your friend just let me in… I was wondering about dinner tonight?” She tilted her head to the side and looked at me again when she did. I remembered her question, about Johnny and I coming over for dinner, but instead of coming up with a decision I asked, “What time is it?”

“It’s almost four,” she hummed, playing with a loose thread out of the blanket, “thought you needed a wake-up call.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled, then took a deep breath to calm my nerves. It was always often that I’d get dreams about Soda around any date having to do with him. More specifically, his death date and birth date. 

Wake-up calls were especially needed in my case. Mostly on the days where I didn’t want to wake up, or at least, leave the bed. Steve was not afraid to give me one of those. More or less, I was appreciative of it, and even more so now that I had someone I was just a little more fond of doing it, too.

“You look like you had a long night,” she said, giving me a look of sympathy. She reached over and set her hand caringly on my arm, getting me to look her in the eyes, “I’m sorry for being so forward, I know we haven’t known each other long-”

“No, that’s alright,” I said quickly, getting lost in those soft brown irises. A smile pulled itself up by one of the corners of my lips and her smiled widened just slightly. 

“If you need someone more… feminine and free to talk to, I’m here. I won’t judge or bite.”

I was mentally screaming at myself as she spoke. My heart fluttered and my brain panicked. I thought: You are not in love with her, you’ve only known her for over a week, she’s not Soda, she’s not Soda, she’s not Soda.

I nodded and drew in another breath, pursing my lips as I did. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

She came to a loss of words and averted her eyes back down to the blanket. Even in the dark of my room I could see that blush on her cheeks spreading and it almost made me titter. She drew her hand back and I was almost tempted to reach for it, but I kept my hands to myself and sat quietly until either of us came up with something else to say. That person would be her.

“So… dinner?”

“Yeah! Uh… yeah, that sounds great. I’ll bring it up with Johnny.”

She smiled so wide her teeth showed, and all I saw was Soda smiling ear-to-ear. It made me want to see her happy more and more. 

“Great! I’ll tell Steve and I’ll make something good tonight. What do you like?”

“I’ll like anything you make,” I said without really thinking. She giggled softly and stood up, then walked around to my side of the bed and pulled at my arm.

“Come on and get up, I wanna go to one of the earlier meetings and you need to eat.”

“How do you know I haven’t eaten today?” I asked, kinda smirking at her as I slid my legs over the side of the bed. I let her drag me from my room to the living room, where I was hit by the blinding light of day. Dally was sitting on the couch and he gave me a wide grin when we walked in.

“Y’all were in there so long I thought you were-”

“She’s _Steve’s_ girlfriend,” I said almost immediately, my voice nearly cracking. Her eyes widened slightly and her blush worsened when she looked back at me. I pulled at the collar of my t-shirt and decided to take the lead, pulling her along into the kitchen. “I’m so sorry about that.”

“You make some pretty interesting friends,” she chuckled awkwardly, rubbing her burning cheeks. I shrugged and nodded at the same time, opening the cabinet to the pantry to hide my blood-red face. 

“When does this meeting start? I’m desperate to stop talking about this.”

She chortled, “Not for another hour, but I figured you needed preparation for it.”

“Does Steve even know you’re here?” I blurted out, mentally kicking myself for it. I felt as though I sounded rude. She didn’t seem to mind.

“Well, yeah, of course he does. No reason not to tell him, right?”

Again, we were quiet. I felt tongue-tied and hurriedly decided to change the subject again. “I’m… gonna go take a shower. Make yourself comfortable, and we can head out when I don’t feel like a hobo anymore.” She laughed at this and told me to go, and so I did, trying to get through the living room as quick as I could without being stopped. Much to my dismay, Dally told me to ‘hold it right there’ and so I stopped before reaching the hall.

“What, Dally?” I asked, trying to seem annoyed. That same old cocky grin he used to always get stayed present on his face when I turned around to face him.

“ _That_ is Steve’s girlfriend?” I nodded. “What’s ‘er name?”

“What do you care?”

“Time is money kid, don’t wanna keep her waiting and I can wait all day long.” 

I groaned lightly and look towards the kitchen, then looked back at him. “Mary Roberts. Can I go now?” He motioned with his head that I could and I quickly went, wanting to just get things done so I didn’t have any time to think. By the time I was clean, dry, and in a different set of clothes, thirty minutes had already passed according to the clock. Frustration arose when I thought about Mary and Dally being alone together, mostly because I was sure the chances of him telling Mary that he _thought _I had feelings for her were sure to come up. Dally was good about voicing his assumptions and opinions uncaringly.__

__Sure enough, they were sitting on the couch in the living room alone. Granted, all they were doing was watching TV quietly, but I didn’t want to take any chances in possible conversation so I got her to leave the house with me as quick as possible._ _

__“Why the rush?” She questioned on the walk to her car. When I deemed we were at a safe enough distance, I answered._ _

__“Dally’s like a big brother. Rude, rough, rowdy, and always trying to embarrass me when he can. Sometimes, anyways.”_ _

__This made her laugh that sweet laugh and the conversation was dropped as we got in the car and drove off. It wasn’t often that we’d go to meetings so early or early at all, but I didn’t mind. I felt calm with her and safe at the meetings; it didn’t take long for me to get used to them and wanting to go. It gave me a reason to actually leave the house. Jess was a damn good therapist._ _

__“Tell me something about yourself,” she said, disturbing my staring into space, “something I don’t know about you.” We were close to the meeting at this point, but if it was going to take a while to start, then I figured conversation wouldn’t hurt as long as I didn’t need to think too much._ _

__“What do you wanna know?” I asked boredly. She shrugged, giving me a side glance._ _

__“Your real name for instance,” she suggested, smirking as she did. I furrowed my brows a little and pursed my lips._ _

__“What did Steve tell you?” Was the first thing I thought to say and she smiled a little more._ _

__“I asked him why he called you Ponyboy that night you stayed the night and he said it was your real name. Now onto my next question: Why do you want people to call you Michael?”_ _

__We were treading into personal and disturbing territory, yet oddly enough, my anxiety wasn’t to the level I thought it should be at. Nonetheless, I didn’t think it was appropriate to answer in the parking lot of where the AA meeting was to be held. I just put my hands up and shrugged._ _

__“I don’t know,” I lied, and she cocked a brow._ _

__“Tell me, I wanna know,” she persisted and I shook my head, giving her a half-smile._ _

__“Sorry, that’s personal information.”_ _

__“Maybe you can tell me over drinks in a few nights at my house? Steve is going out of town...” She asked, giving me a hopeful, shimmering look. I swore I stopped breathing for a second, but dumbly I asked where Steve was going and she laughed. “Around this time of year he leaves for a day or two to kind of get himself away from his personal drama and feelings. He says he doesn’t like to feel but he’s got a lot of emotion. He’ll talk to me about it, but sometimes he just has to figure things out on his own.” I nodded and turned away a second, back to feeling annoyed with myself for not bothering to ask Steve if he was alright. I was really bad about only caring about how I was feeling. Maybe it was because I showed my emotions too much while he showed his too little._ _

__“I’d love to have drinks with you,” I finally said, giving her a wide smile. She copied my smile, smiling ear to ear once again, and it only made my heart melt. We got out of the car, then, and made our way inside the building, volunteering to help set things up. Cookies, coffee, and sometimes-brownies were set up on a table giving me a chance to finally eat, and as I partook in some of the food I heard giggling behind me. Turning to see, not minding that crumbs were covering the bottom half of my face, I saw Mary with her usual group of girl-friends looking back at me. My cheeks erupted into flames and I wiped at my mouth quickly, not daring to pick up another cookie as I walked over to them, asking them what was so funny._ _

__“The way she talks about you is adorable,” one said, and Mary glared at them._ _

__“We’re just friends. I’m in love with Steve.”_ _

__“You say that now, but when he’s not here for a meeting we know it’ll be all about him!”_ _

__Her cheeks lit up like christmas lights and she speedily led me away from them to sit on the other side of the room. I was grinning like an idiot and she smacked my arm with a pouty expression._ _

__“What are you smiling about?” She snapped, trying to be upset, and I shook my head and looked ahead of myself._ _

__“Is that to say you have a crush on me?”_ _

__“We’re not in highschool anymore, we don’t get crushes,” she said as if it were a fact, but I didn’t let up._ _

__“Okay, but… you have a crush on me,” I kept on, containing a laugh. She sighed deeply, obviously frustrated, and covered her face._ _

__“I don’t have a crush on you, I just like being your friend. You’re mysterious and funny and kind and handsome and that’s all I’m going to say.”_ _

__I nodded to myself and decided to leave her alone about it, finding myself satisfied with her hilarious and adorable embarrassment. When the meeting started, I listened, but eventually Mary decided to take a turn at speaking, something she didn’t do too often._ _

__“Hi, I’m Mary, and I’m an alcoholic.”_ _

__“Hi, Mary.”_ _

__Before continuing, she glanced over at me with a small grin then looked back around at our peers. “I’ve been feeling really happy recently. My boyfriend and I have been bonding more, and we’ve been able to help one of our friends start to feel happy, too. He’s more of a new friend to me, but I like him a lot. One of the first people I’ve been able to befriend without my boyfriend getting jealous.”_ _

__She paused when whispered erupted, and I remembered how Ms. Crawford said she hadn’t mentioned Steve boyfriend._ _

__“Anyways, I’ve just been feeling less like drinking and more like putting myself out there. This new friend of mine… he’s been helping me feel better, too. Thanks.”_ _

__She sat down as she finished her speech, claps were sounded, then another person talked. I couldn’t focus on anything after Mary’s speech. At last, I felt needed._ _


	5. Walk The Line

_“Ponyboy, you need to eat your dinner.”_   
_“I’m not hungry.”_   
_“Listen, I understand why you’re so sad honey, but you still need to eat.”_   
_“I will when I know Soda’s okay.”_

“You didn’t say much during the meeting…” Mary pointed out as us and others put chairs away. “You didn’t take a turn speaking at all… Was it because of me?” 

I wanted to say yes, it was because you made me a blushing mess who would have been stuttering as I spoke, but I didn’t. At this point, guilt was lightly lacing my stomach and I didn’t want it to start churning.

“Nah, just… thinking.”

“What about?” She pressed, her questioning look only becoming more blatant. I thought about what I wanted to say, not wanting to say exactly what was on my mind but not wanting to lie about it. Simply, I just shrugged and ran a hand through my hair as I put a folded chair on a rack.

“I don’t know, I’ll talk about it later I guess. Just not now.”

I realized I sounded irritated as soon as I said it and she tensed, but her features stayed soft, she nodded lightly, and she let her gaze drop to the floor.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk,” she murmured, looking at me for another second before putting her chair on the rack as well. I sighed and turned my head, rolling my eyes as I did. Instead of making a deal out of a small thing, I decided to just keep putting chairs away. I was so caught up in that that I hadn’t even noticed Mary had left the room until I was done. Mentally, I called myself an idiot and smoothed out my shirt as I left the room. Luckily, I found her outside waiting by her car. I smiled ruefully as I approached her.

“Forgetting something?” I asked, pulling out a set of car keys and swinging them around my finger by the loop. She couldn’t contain the smile she tried to hide, but still she tried to glare.

“Give me my keys.”

“I will when you tell me why you tried leaving without me,” I bargained with a smirk. She snickered and rolled her eyes, turning away from me and crossing her arms.

“I wasn’t going to just _leave_ without you. That’s something Steve would do. Not that he’s done that to me before, I just- _Ugh!_ Nevermind!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I loved the way she would just ramble on without meaning too, then when she’d catch herself she’d get flustered and pouty. It was adorable.

I wandered over closer to her, shuffling my feet along the pavement of the parking lot as I did, and I gently grasped her shoulders and made her turn to face me.

“I was just teasing you, here are your keys,” I said simply, letting go of one shoulder to pick up her hand and place the keys in them. She looked down at our hands then up into my eyes, and I felt that my heart had skipped a beat. Now not only was she flustered now but so was I, and so I looked down, laughed, and took a step back. “I’m gonna get in the car,” I mumbled, quickly going back around the car and waiting for her to unlock it. 

For the first time, a ride with Mary was truly silent. We had both gotten ourselves to be unsure and awkward around each other, which wasn’t exactly new for me but she was usually confident. I thought to myself, _I’ve barely known her for maybe two weeks, what am I doing getting close with her? Especially since she was already in a relationship with someone who was trying to help me?_

We reached my apartment in no time, and for once I wanted to get out. The more I thought about the situation, the more I wanted to hide away. When I opened the car door though, she stopped me from getting out and we made uneasy eye contact once again.

“Are you still on for dinner?” She asked. It made me feel better knowing she still wanted to do that, and it made me feel silly to think she wouldn’t just because things got not-so-normal for a few minutes. I smiled and nodded slowly.

“Yes ma’am. We’ll be over around… whenever I guess,” I joked, making her titter and making those brown eyes light up happily.

“We’re looking forward to it.”

#

“I am never leaving my bed again.”

“Michael…”

“You see it, don’t you?!” 

“Yeah…”

I wasn’t having a complete meltdown. At the time it felt like it, but I wasn’t. Merely, it was just a small freak-out due to anxiety and over thinking. As I tried to control my elevated breathing, Johnny rubbed my back gently and, every now and then, combed his fingers through my hair. That’s always been one of the quickest ways to get my brothers and I to calm down. It reminded me of how my mother would do that to us and it made me feel slightly more at ease.

“She has a sister who died in Vietnam, Johnny. She looks _just_ like him.” Goosebumps arose on my arms and I shivered. “And I think I have feelings for her!” I threw my hands up in exasperation then covered my face. “God, Steve is gonna kill me.”

“You like her?” Johnny inquired hesitantly. I shrugged and sighed deeply.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s _her_ that I like, I mean I’ve only just met her, but…” I swallowed and buried my face in my hands, covering my eyes. “She looks like him, sometimes she sounds like him, and… I don’t know if I like her or…”

“Or if it’s just Soda,” he finished quietly, and I nodded, moving my hands to rub my temples. We were both quiet for a moment, neither sure of what else to say. My confusing feelings were eating at me something awful and I was just scared of hurting her if she _did_ have feelings for me. It wasn’t likely, I knew she loved Steve, but my heart has tricked me painfully before. “I could call and tell them we can’t come tonight,” he offered, but I shook my head and rubbed my face stressfully.

“No, because then one or the other, or hell even both, might come over and try to ask me what's wrong and I’ll end up a blubbering mess like every time. That, or I’ll get punched in the face by Steve and I _really_ don’t need that right now. So I guess I’ll just… Suck it up. She really wanted us to come for some reason anyways, and I don’t want to disappoint her. We’ll leave whenever you feel like it.”

As I spoke I could hear my voice becoming a bit harder and my emotions becoming more uncaring. I found that being in this state meant that I could easily pretend I was fine rather than if I did feel something, so with that logic I felt as though I _was_ fine. Or, at least, beginning to feel like it.

He nodded and gave my back a few more gentle strokes before standing. “I’m ready any time you are,” he said carefully, “and if you want to leave while we’re there-”

“Johnny, I’m alright. You don’t gotta treat me like a kid,” I muttered, slightly annoyed. He nodded and reddened some, shifting awkwardly on his feet. 

“I’m driving,” he said coolly, and I nodded at him before he left me alone. He knew when I needed my space. Breathing out deeply, finding that I was feeling better after getting all that off of my chest at last, I forced myself to stand. Through the window, I could see the sun setting behind the distant houses and I figured I should get ready or else it’d be too late. 

I came out of my room clad in a pair of blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and an old and faded green flannel. I was iffy on wearing it, and I could tell by the look on Johnny’s face that even he was iffy on me wearing it, but I felt calmer in it. Able to breathe.

“Go ahead and start the car; I’ll call ‘em,” I said, already reaching for the landline. He nodded, patting my arm as he walked past me. Thankfully I wasn’t held up on the phone, as all I said was ‘we’re on our way’ and all was said back was ‘great, we’ll see you when you get here’ by Steve. When I got to the car, I noticed Johnny bouncing a leg up and down and nudged his arm with my elbow. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” he said, looking down and knitting his brows together, “this just isn’t like you.”

“I’m just trying to get back to normal,” I claimed, feeling my stomach start to twist. He was making me feel self conscious, almost as if it was a bad thing I was trying to get out of my shell, or rather, our apartment. He shook his head and began to pull out of the parking lot.

“That’s not what I mean… I don’t know, I’m probably just overthinking this,” he murmured, looking ahead at the road, “you’ve just been acting suddenly… different.”

“Isn’t that good?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Yeah, in a way. You seem happier. But that’s just… not normal for around this time.”

“Don’t worry Johnny, I’m just fine,” I tried to reassure, giving him a smile. He didn’t look in my direction, not even a glance, instead he sighed and gave a small nod.

“I hope so.”

The rest of the ride was quiet, and I was stuck wondering why every time I rode in a car with someone why that always seemed to happen. 

#

Mary’s face lit up when she saw Johnny and I standing on the porch of her and Steve’s home. Seeing her made butterflies spread across my chest and stomach. Pink lipstick was perfectly painted on her lips and she had brushed a blush across her cheeks. Her soft brown eyes made my heart melt and I had to hold myself off from giving her hug when Steve came into view.

“Are you gonna let ‘em in, babe?” He asked, half-laughing, and she quickly scuttled out of the way so Johnny and I could enter. The smell in the air gave a pleasant aroma of cheese, a small snack I had begin to grow fond of, and it made me smile. 

“What’s cookin’?” I asked. Steve answered this one.

“Mary’s makin’ a cheese casserole. Somethin’ about you liking that stuff and she didn’t want to make ‘just anything’.”

“I was just trying to make this dinner more enjoyable for everyone!” She squeaked behind him. “I didn’t know what to make because _somebody_ didn’t offer any choices.” Mary sent a teasing half-glare in my direction and I smirked.

“As long as it’s good, then I don’t care, I know I woulda liked it anyways.”

She made a ‘hmph’ sound of mock annoyance, but before she left to check the oven she sent a grin my way. As she and I bantered, Johnny and Steve made low conversation on the couch. I had decided on the car ride here that nothing was going to ruin the evening for me. I would stay friendly with Mary, keeping down the awkward levels, and I wouldn’t assume everything said was about me and my problems regarding Soda. Tonight was going to go great and nothing bad was going to happen.

“You doing alright?” Steve suddenly asked. I spun around to face him and nodded.

“I’m just fine, why?”

“You’re standing there in the the middle of the living room facing the kitchen like an idiot,” he joked, smirking at me. I snickered and sat on the couch on his other side, shaking my head and shoving him lightly. We were all quiet for a moment, watching what the TV had to show, until Steve spoke up again.

“How many time has she brought up this dinner with you?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“A few times maybe?”

“She’s been shakin’ me about this for a damn week,” he confessed, taking a large breath and sighing. It was as if it was a load off his chest. Johnny and I exchanged glances then looked back at him. “I don’t know why but she likes you a whole lot. Real keen on being your friend.”

“Is that bad?” I asked, and he shrugged and shook his head at the same time.

“Guess not. I like havin’ y’all around too, but I don’t know. She’s not from here and doesn’t have any close friends, it’s just weird.”

“I remember-” I started, but quickly stopped myself. Steve cocked a brow to give me an expecting look but I shook my head. “I-I forgot, nevermind,” I continued to lie, and he rolled his eyes. Typical Steve, I thought. Then I reminded myself that I was going to avoid talk of my brother as to keep the evening from getting gloomy and tense. Johnny sent me a worried look but I shook my head to say I was fine. I was _not_ about to talk about Soda. 

“You know,” I said, kind of smiling to myself in thought, “she sure is pretty.”

Saying this got Steve to smiling, then Johnny did. “Yeah she is,” Steve said, glancing toward the kitchen and peering in to see her bending over to look in the stove. She had a real good body to match that face, “ _real_ pretty.” When he said this, he froze for a second before looking at Johnny. “Are you seein’ anyone, Johnnycakes?” 

Red tinted Johnny’s cheeks. “Nah, I haven’t thought about it. I just kinda focus on bein’ alive. Never really thought about getting a girlfriend.”

That really made me think (but then again, so does everything). Johnny had had girlfriends before, a few, but not many. Since graduating and moving out of his parents’ house, Johnny seemed to be choosing to be independent. Kind of free in a sense. I truly admired that and wondered what it was like being free from something that held you back. In his situation, that was his parents. 

“Proud of you man, but you’ll find a girl one day and it’ll be great,” Steve mused, a look of happiness on his face. He pat Johnny’s back, earning a smile from him. This was a completely different Steve from who I knew in my childhood and I wanted to laugh when I remembered that Mary told me he _literally_ needed to leave because of ‘personal drama and emotions’. It looked to me like he was just fine. The Steve I knew, though, had the drama and emotions, but this one I was looking at looked like he couldn’t be happier.

Soda was one of those guys that could keep up that facade too.

I let out a sudden, sharp laugh at that though, getting curious looks from Steve and Johnny. I shook my head and stood up, pulling a smile.

“I meant to cough, n-not laugh. I’m… gonna get a drink or something,” I sighed, turning quickly so thought couldn’t see my sheepishness and walking into the kitchen. Mary was setting plates and utensils out when I walked in, and she smiled when she saw me.

“You’re a little red there,” she commented, looking back at what she was doing. I touched my cheek as I opened the fridge, feeling the heat of my face against the cool air. I snickered and just searched for something other than water. The only thing they seemed to have was orange juice and milk. “You guys having fun in there without me?”

“Oh yeah, tons,” I joked, getting a chuckle from her. 

“Johnny’s a little quiet, isn’t he?” She asked. I decided to shut the fridge without a drink and turned to lean against it and watch her.

“Yeah, he’s always been like that though.”

“He looks the type. Steve’s told me all about you guys. How you’re all like his brothers and everything. Don’t let him fool you when he looks annoyed by you,” she paused and laughed a little, “he told me he used to get annoyed by you a lot.”

I smiled smartly and folded my arms, nodding a little as I did. “Yeah, and he used to annoy me a lot too. I remember once when I came to the gas station-”

“Nope, I’m tellin’ that story.”

I was cut off by Steve as he sauntered into the kitchen, Johnny following in suit. They took their places at the table sitting next to each other, so I sat in front of Johnny to allow Mary to sit in front of her boyfriend. 

He didn’t continue the story until food was in front of us and all eyes were on him. He had a cocky grin on his face when he started. “So he was coming into the gas station alright, and _no one_ is at the register. Sometimes I’d drive him because he’ll walk there if I don’t, but I had the best prank in mind. Anyways- he walks in, and sees no one. He’s callin’ out Soda’s name and my name, and suddenly,” he pauses for dramatic effect, “the two of us are pelting him with pepsi bottle lids. It was hilarious!”

The four of us laughed at this probably-told-a-million-times story. I was finding it hard not to talk about Soda, but thankfully this wasn’t a story that caused me pain due to it’s funniness. 

“I walked straight home after school for a week,” I chimed in, getting the last bits of my laughing out, “I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.”

“Neither will I,” Johnny commented, “I’m the one that came back for your backpack after you threw it at them and refused to come back for it.”

He smiled real wide when Steve, Mary, and I laughed. He wasn’t the type of guy for the spotlight but he seemed to appreciate it now.

“Once, back in California with my sister-” Mary started with another story, but had to pause because of a hard laugh, “oh my _god!_ I can remember it like it was yesterday!”

“Is this the one about-?” Steve asked, a grin coming to him, and she nodded, taking a wheezing breath.

“Yes!” She said, covering his mouth to hide her toothy smile. When she calmed down enough, she continued. “I had fallen asleep on the beach alright, and when I woke up I felt something heavy on me. My first thought was ‘oh no, I’m gonna look funny’- you know, because I would’ve had a sunburn- but I open my eyes and I’m buried up to my neck in sand. _Including my hair_. I sit up, and when I do, I hear Samantha just howling behind me. It took me years to get it all out!”

The rest of dinner was spent taking slow bites of dinner and telling stories from our childhoods. I figured it was a good way to get to know Mary and actually have a good time at the same time. I’d get glances from Steve and Johnny now and then if Soda was mentioned, but it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. It was like a breath of fresh air, and I was definitely feeling better than I did a few hours before.

“We need to do this again,” Mary suggested, nudging me a little. I shrugged and nodded at once.

“Maybe. We’ll see.”

“Aren’t you having fun?” She asked, giving me a playful-mischievous look. I nodded and smirked.

“Yeah, well, you know how things are right now.”

I paused when I thought about what I had just said and balled my fists. “But yeah, we should definitely do this again,” I said, saving myself. It seemed like the tension that came left as soon as it did. She gave a short nod and took another sip from her drink. Johnny and I voted for water while she and Steve had something dark I wasn’t allowed to see was being taken out. I was ninety-percent sure it was alcohol, but I didn’t want to ask just in case I was wrong; it would’ve been rude.

“It’s getting late,” Johnny said quietly. He seemed uneased by something, so I nodded in agreement.

“I’m getting a little tired myself,” I added, which wasn’t exactly a lie. The laughing and smiling took a whole lot out of me and I guessed it was just because I wasn’t used to doing that so much. Mary gave us a pouty look.

“You guys don’t want to stay a little while longer?” 

“We’d love too,” Johnny said in a breath, giving her a sympathetic smile, “but I gotta work tomorrow and Michael’s gotta take his medicine.”

“You’re not his mom,” Mary protested, “he’s a big boy, he can take his medicine when he wants.”

Steve laughed, “Let them go babe, you’ll probably see ‘em tomorrow. We can’t hold them hostage all night.”

She groaned loudly like a child and I looked down to hide a grin because of it. “Thanks for having us,” I said, standing up and pretending to be looking down just to pick up my dishes. Courteously, I also took Johnny’s dishes and put them all in the sink. Steve and Mary stood up and followed us out of the kitchen and to the front door where Steve opened the door for us.

“Turned out better than I expected,” Steve admitted, and Johnny and I both nodded.

“You can say that again,” I said, giving him a half-smile. He and Johnny nodded at each other as a goodbye, then Johnny was off to the car. Steve did the same to me, then Mary came up and gave me a hug. I kept myself from just melting into it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she promised, kissing my cheek when she let go. Though my body hadn’t melted into the embrace, my heart melted to due the soft kiss and I felt a light happiness. She then gave me a nod like Steve had, and I gave them both one before I turned for the car. When I was in and sitting, Johnny looked at me with a cocked brow and half-smile.

“What’re you smilin’ like that for?” He asked, and I shrugged, leaning back and closing my eyes.

“She’s perfect, Johnny. Absolutely perfect.”

“You’re acting like you’re drunk,” he snickered, pulling out of the driveway. I let out a wistful sigh, and that feeling made me realize how tired I truly was. I opened my eyes to check the time on the radio and saw it was just passed ten. _A little early to be tired_ , I thought, _but I’m tired all the time._

“They were drinking wine, weren’t they?” I asked, being on the topic of drunkenness. He nodded and licked his lips.

“How’d you know?”

“I smelled it, and she wasn’t acting normal. I guess she’s a lightweight.”

“I guess so,” Johnny chuckled, “she just didn’t want you to know, but I guess you can now since we’re not there.”

“That was nice of her…” I sighed tranquilly, “she sure wanted us to stay awful bad.”

“I think she wanted you to stay awful bad,” he corrected. I opened my eyes just enough to see him, but when I did I yawned real big and they shut tight again.

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh I do. I don’t know if it was because she was gettin’ drunk or what, but she wanted you to stay. I just didn’t want anything to happen if we stayed longer, plus I really do have work and you really do look tired.”

I didn’t ask what he meant because I already knew. Mary plus alcohol wouldn’t have been a good combination for me to be around too long without another sense of self control, that being Johnny. He had no idea how thankful I was for him, and sometimes neither did I. 

“Thank you,” I said, looking at him again. He glanced at me and smiled softly.

“You’re welcome,” he responded. The ride was quiet after that.

#

“I’m worried about him, Jess.”

I groaned as I woke up with a heavy heart. I couldn’t open my eyes because they were too heavy, and I was tired enough to fall back asleep but I wouldn’t let myself after hearing Johnny say that. My breathing stayed light, but I drew in a deep one when I felt myself becoming a little hungry. It definitely wasn’t morning at this point in the day.

“He’s not acting like his normal self.”

“How has he been acting exactly?”

“Laughing. Smiling. Spending more time out of the apartment. Just that kind of stuff.”

“It’s… natural for people like him to start coming out of their shell when they feel themselves start to feel better from what’s been holding them down.”

I huffed. _People like him._

Johnny sounded worried still. “Isn’t it supposed to be a slow progress though? It’s like after every break down he has, he goes right back to pretending everything is fine, a-and it doesn’t sound right. He hasn’t acted like this since…”

Don’t say it.

“... before Soda left, or even before his death, and that’s coming up real soon. It’d be different if he was acting like this and it wasn’t _just before_ the day his… brother died.”  
“That _is_ a bit alarming… Maybe ask him to set up an appointment with me if his behaviors become more off-kiltered or worrying. From the sounds of it, he’s on his way to having a complete melt down and I’d like to keep that from happening.”

I didn’t hear the footsteps, but I heard a door opening and shutting and I figured either Jess, Johnny, or both were gone. I then heard my stomach rumble and I curled in on myself to stop the sudden and sharp hunger pain. I didn’t want to get out of bed at all, but my hopes of staying were shattered at the sound of my bedroom door being knocked on.

“Michael? Are you awake yet?”

“Why was Jess here?” I mumbled into my pillow. He walked closer and asked me to repeat myself, so I turned out of my pillow and faced him without opening my eyes. I was frowning. “Why was Jess here?” I asked sharper. He hesitated to answer.

“You heard us?” He asked, and nodded. “I’m just worried about you-”

“I’m fine, Johnny, really,” I muttered, annoyed, falling back into my pillow once again, “you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I don’t need to see Jess.”

“Alright…” he mumbled, then changed the subject, “Do you want something to eat? You sound a little hungry…”

“Nope,” I lied, yawning and flipping onto my back, using the flannel shirt I had slept in to cover my face and blind me from the brightness of the curtains overlooking my bed, “I’m not at all. I just want to lay here.”

“Pancakes?” He suggested despite my disapproval, and I laughed a sharp, breathy laugh.

“Whatever cereal we have, I need something cold to wake me up. I’m sure Mary wasn’t lying when she said she would ‘see me tomorrow’, and I know she’s an early bird.”


End file.
